The boy underneath the stars // H.J + L.M

Chapter 57

⚠︎︎slight trigger warning for this chapter, I don't know if it's really necessary but just to be sure⚠︎︎

Jisung POV

The roots of my hair are turning a dark brown, revealing my natural hair colour. Wet drops of water dropping on my cheeks, they're pale, and chubby.

My eyes look dull, deep bags underneath them. I look like a ghost underneath the cold bathroom lighting.

I frown, my eyes trailing over my body. My finger tracing the skin. I start at my forehead, tracing the vague scars caused by acne from when I was younger.

My lips, thin and heart formed. A bit crusty from biting them too much.

My neck, the deep and uneven scar slowly turning purple.

My hands move down to my chest, examining the pale skin. I pinch the skin on my stomach, frowning.

My arms, full of fading scars, little white lines scattered all over them.

I redirect my gaze at my face, two lifeless eyes staring back at me. Is this actually me?

This... thing staring back at me. It's not me. It's not human, it's not alive.

I quickly slip into my clean clothes, done staring at myself. It won't change anything.

I close my eyes, leaning my hands on the sink.

I can hear giggling coming from the living room, the sound of pillows being thrown around the room.

"Aaahhh no innie I- HAHA no don't do that!!" Felix's laughter reaches my ears, and all of a sudden, a wave of annoyance overcomes me. I don't know why, there's absolutely no reason to be annoyed at the boy, he's done nothing wrong.

Still, a shiver runs down my spine as another one of his screams fills the silence.

Why can't he just shut the fuck up?

I take a deep breath as it turns quiet again, trying to control myself. Why am I shaking? I feel like screaming, crying.

What the hell is happening?

The sudden urge to punch something, someone, is growing bigger and bigger. And I drop down to my knees, trying to control my shaking hands.

Calm the fuck down Jisung

I need.. silence. I need everything to be silent. I clamp my hands over my ears, blocking out all the sounds surrounding me, rocking back and forth.

I'm stuck in my thoughts, in my head in this body. This body that's supposed to be mine but it feels so unfamiliar like it's not actually me.

I'm stuck in this routine, faking and smiling. Crawling and crawling further into that dark and cold hole.

People tell me it will get better, I have to look forward towards the future.

But what if I see no future?

All I can see is this endless routine of getting up and faking smiles, trying and trying to just get through the day. Only for it to be repeated again the next.

My mind feels like an empty shell, cracked and broken without any means of repair. I feel like I'm too destroyed to ever be fixed, and anything I do only adds to how utterly defeated I feel.

It doesn't matter what I do, or say. Nothing will change anyways.

I barely notice my thumb starting to scratch my wrist, red marks forming on the skin. The cuts on the verge of opening up again from my nails digging into the skin.