I just need to let it out

why am i crying?

Tw: bad things. Bad thoughts. Like really bad thoughts. Sorry. I'm tired atm. Comment tw ig and I'll add them? Weird. :/

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I'm so tired.
I wanna go home.
Why cant I go back?
Why do I have to suffer?
What did I do wrong?
Why do i deserve this?
Why am i such a failure?
Why am i a bad person?
Why do i want to die?
Why am i not strong?
I'm so tired
I'm so tired of fighting
Of trying
Of staying here
I dont wanna be here anymore.

Recently, I started crying again. I also started watching Naruto. I always watch shows when I feel numb. ?
I dont know if me crying more means I'm getting better or worse.
I dont want to cry but I do want to cry.
I need to cry
Why cant I cry?
What is wrong with me?
What do I do?
How do I know I cant trust you hypothetical person giving me advice?

Who am i?

How do you know?

Why do you think your right?

I dont understand...

I just want to be happy

I just want my friends to be happy

I just want my family to be happy

Why aren't they happy?

Why am I not happy?

I should be happy. Right?

I have food, good grades, good friends, a roof over my head, a room, internet, a phone, a laptop.

I have so much
I should be grateful
Why... why do I feel like this?

Why do I feel numb?

Why am I lying?

I'm faking it all
No one will believe me
Its not real
It's in my head
I suck
I shouldnt fake these things
I'm a bad person
Who am I?
Why?
What?
How?
Why?

I'm sorry.

I just wanna be okay.

I'm such a burden
Sorry

...

I dont like myself
I want to
But I just. Cant.

I am barely breathing

How am I still here?

I'm such a disappointment.

Who am i?

What's my name?
Why does that make me sad?

Why am I ugly?
Why do I suck at talking?
Why cant I remember anything?

Why do I hate myself.

I want to rip out my throat and stomach
I wanna puke up my guts.

I want to have a reason to feel the way I do.
I want someone to bully me or beat me up so I can be mad. So I can finally feel something.

I dont want to be a girl.
Please kill me
Nobody wants me to be a boy
They think I'm ugly and disgusting and a liar
I dont want to be hated but I cant be a girl I'm not a girl please free me from this body.
I need let out
Please
Please
I just wanna be happy
I just
Fucki ng
I want to rip my skin off
Please

I feel numb
I feel emotions
Idk

When I feel emotions, I dont know how to express them. That's why I hate my birthday or Christmas. What am I supposed to say? What if they think I'm ungrateful if I dont react enough? What if I actually like it and I want to stim? They'll think I'm an idiot. They'll hate and judge me. What if my expressions falter? What if they think I'm not grateful or think I dont like their gift?
What do I do?
Why does no one answer me when I ask them what to do?

I feel like I'm drowning. I cant keep swimming. It's cold, I'm alone, I'm tired... wheres my happy ending?
Am I a boy or a girl?
Fuck gender
I hate it
I hate society
I hate gender
I hate people
I hate men
I hate women
I hate nb people
I hate them all
I hate all of them
Every single one

Why are my friends... my friends?
I'm not a good person. I just act like one.
I'm never happy. I'm moody. I'm dramatic. I'm not funny. Im mean. Im judgy. I'm cruel. I'm ugly. I just suck in general.

My best friend says we aren't close anymore. I didnt know what to respond with. I stopped telling her things because she said she couldn't handle my problems and her problems? What?
What did I do wrong? I did everything I was supposed to...

I'm so stupid.
I hate myself.
It's not her fault.
I know I'm the one at fault here.
I know I put up walls
I know im useless and a burden.
And I dont blame her.
I dont blame anyone.

I would leave me too.

Why is she still here?
Shed be better off without me.
I'm glad my friends are friends because now they can comfort each other when I die. I want to die. I dont wanna live anymore. What's the point.

But I'll continue fighting. For no reason other than I'm a bitch.
I deserve to suffer anyways right?

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Sorry.
Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
Take care of yourself... whoever's read this.

;_; haha im so funny. :)