Asexual Howell (Phan AU)

You're making me feel like I was born to service you: Dan

Disclaimer - A little smut

Me and Paige were in her room, kissing. It was valentines day and I could feel my palms sweating with anticipation. With worry. I don't know why I was so worried, I'm 16 so sex shouldn't be a bad thing to me! Sex should be something I wanted.

If I was a girl this would be so much easier, I could fake a period or just say "I'm not ready yet" but I'm a guy and I have to man up and have sex with my girlfriend like a fucking normal human being! I felt bad that I didn't want to, maybe she'd think I don't love her and then leave. I cared about her too much to see her leave.

Her hands moved to my thighs and I took a deep intake of breath, she took this as a good sign and kissed me deeper. I don't want this, I don't want this my mind kept saying to me. PJ's tongue was soon in my mouth and it was obvious that she did want this. Don't get me wrong I want PJ I just don't want to have sex, but I can't tell her because she'd think I'm weird. Hell even I think I'm weird! I get panicky whenever anyone talks about sex stuff because I just don't understand what the whole fuss is about and I get uncomfortable. Sure I have a sex drive, even now I'm a little turned on until I think about thrusting into PJ then I get uncomfortable all over again.

It took me 2 months to actually kiss PJ and we've only been together 8 months. Maybe I just need to wait for the relationship to develop before I can feel comfortable in my own skin? Yeah there's probably nothing wrong with me, I could just be someone who can't sleep with someone else unless they're 100% good with them. I mean sure I love PJ but I've never really been naked in front of her before, maybe I'm worried she'll judge me or something.

Suddenly the kisses were interrupted as she began taking my top off, followed by her own. Starting from the top was just making me more anxious as I waited for what she wanted. We'd talked about this but I'd never thought I'd be this bad over it.

She started unbelting my pants when my anxiety got to high to handle with this.

"Do you want to do this?" She questioned me, looking me right in the eye. I so wanted to say yes but I just couldn't. I swallowed.

"I- I" I stuttered, swallowing again "Not yet" I whispered hanging my head down ashamed.

"Babe, look at me" She titled my head so I could look into her deep blue eyes, her hair was a messy mass of curliness, some of which was covering one eye "It's fine, we can take this at our own pace yeah?"

"yeah" I said half smiling.

"Maybe... we don't have to have sex today, how would you feel about me turning you off" PJ questioned me, a mischievous smile on her face.

"Sure" I chirped. Although I really didn't want to, but she'd done it before so I couldn't use the same excuse of not wanting it yet.

She started where she left off, unbuckling my trousers and pulling them off. She slid down the bed and started kissing along my underwear lining before slowly taking them off. I took a deep intake of breath and she put her mouth on the end of my cock. Ugh even talking about this is making me feel awkward. I could feel her on me, but I felt no pleasure. I began thinking of other things other than her, other than her tongue on my dick and her mouth taking me. I felt so uncomfortable but using previous techniques I managed to cum and she stopped the awkward movements. Sexy to her, awkward to me. When she first did this I didn't cum at all, I focused on her too much and I didn't find anything about this attractive. I still don't but it's easy to put my mind else where now, we've been through this motion far too much.

"I love you" PJ whispered snuggling into me

"I love you too" I said quietly, wrapping my arm around her. This is what I liked, the cutesy romance stuff. I wish I could find someone who liked this more than sex, but I also want PJ.

----

About a week after this event I finally decided I would tell her. Tell her about my sexuality. I had been researching, doing quizzes online and everything it said on there was me. The quizzes kept saying the same things and the definitions were me! I still feel broken but I know other people deal with this too so I don't feel so alone anymore.

"Hey babe!" She chirped when I knocked on her door. She held out her hand, which I gladly took, and she pulled me upstairs. We sat on her bed and almost immediately began kissing, it happened like this every time. A little bit of chat, a lot of lip locking. I didn't push her away but instead waited for her to move to take a breath.

"Look Paige" She didn't like me calling her PJ but I thought it was a cute nickname "I... I need to talk to you... about something"

"Oh my god! Are you breaking up with me?" She questioned, her eyes widening.

"No, nothing like this" I comforted her. She moved into a more comfortable position and smiled at me.

"good... so what's up?" Her head leaned to one side, her legs dangling off the bed, she looked so cute. I wished I would've messaged her this, it would've been much easier. But I was here now, I had to carry on.

"Um.... I'm... I think" I stumbled over my own words, swallowing a lump in my throat "I'm Asexual" I finished

"What does that mean?" She questioned, confusion clearly visible. I didn't know if I should tell her the truth or not. She'd had 3 sexual relations, that I knew of, so far and she seemed very sexually active. What if she didn't want me after? then she doesn't love you

"Its basically where... I don't feel sexual attractions, I don't like sex or sexual things" I let her take it in, her head was titled down now, she wasn't looking at me. So I cut in "But that doesn't mean I never will like it" I lied, I don't know what made me lie but I did it. I had done a lot of research and what I was describing is known as Demisexual, so I guess that's still on the asexual spectrum. Not a total lie. I knew I was trying to make myself feel better, but even so I couldn't shake off the guilt of lying even a little bit to her.

"Oh" Was all she said

"are you okay with me?" I asked nervously. I felt like I wanted to cry and hide forever.

"Of course babe! It's just" she lifted her head up to me "its a lot to take in. No sex forever right?" My heart skipped a beat as I realised she wanted to be with me forever.

"Yeah, but you took it better than I thought" I replied

"How'd you think I take it?"

"I thought you'd break up with me... I thought you'd get bored of me when you knew we wouldn't be doing sex stuff" I told her.

"I'm not some sex maniac Dan!" She outburst "I'm cool with it. I mean maybe I'll get bored but as long as we can still do something that's fine. You liked the BJs right?" She questioned. I didn't have the heart to say no

"yeah" I said, and instantly regretted it. I'll get bored. Ill get bored. Ill get bored. The words replayed in my head. I wasn't good enough for her.

---

hey there guys :3 I hope you like my first chapter when Dan finds out he's asexual and his girlfriend seems to take it well. Some of these chapters are personal experience but most is made up so I hope you like it :P

I'm trying to make all the chapter titles lyrical btw :3 (for example: You're making me feel like I was born to service you" Is the song hate this and I'll love you by muse :3)
All of Dans characteristics will NOT represent every asexual okay? okay.

new chapter soon :D Dans about to meet Phil! Yays x
- Rach