Life's Not Black And White

S i x t e e n

   "We've never been on a real date." Luca says, making me look up from the page I'm on.

"We haven't." I confirm. We were in the library, me reading my book while she sat quietly on the floor, leaning against a bookshelf.

She squints at me, "Don't you think that's weird?"

I shrug, "Don't know." I admit, looking down at my book again.

"It's, like, just because our relationship isn't public we don't do stuff other couples do." She thinks out loud. Relationship. Couple. This was news to me, we never discussed labels.

"Do you want to be public?" I ask, not necessarily offering but just wondering.

She meets my eyes, "I want to be able to act like other couples don't you?"

I look down at the worn pages of romeo and juliet. "I don't wanna be out, you know that." I say, not answering her question.

"Don't you wanna be able to say you're with me?" She questions.

"Why is this a conversation we're having?" I ask, not wanting to answer. Instead of answering her gaze simply shifts to the bookcase in front of her. Why would she want people to know she's with me? Wouldn't that just bring her rep down.

"Don't overthink it." She tells me, "It was just a thought." She says, dismissively.

I sigh, "Yes, I want to go on dates with you. Yes, I want to be able to say I'm with you. Yes, I wanna be like other couples." I say slowly as she draws her eyes back to mine, "I just don't wanna deal with everything else. The homophobia, the judgement."

"Sure there's homophobic people but no one else is gonna judge you." She argues.

"But they'll judge you." I half mutter, just above a whisper, I ignore the questioning look she gives me as I continue, "Point is we're not like other couples."

She narrows her eyes, "We could be." I shake my head, biting my lip. "There's other gay people at this school, Kris."

"But they're proud." I say, "They ignore the judgement but I know I wouldn't be able to do that. It would literally consume my thoughts. Everyday I would worry about what people were thinking of me. I can't be proud like them, so why try?" I confess, still managing to hold her eye contact.

"You need help." She mutters, looking back down at her phone.

I bite the inside of my cheek, forcing my eyes back down to the book.

'With love's light wings did I o'erperch these walls,

For stony limits cannot hold love out'

Disagree. Some walls can keep love out. Walls of hatred and judgment and fear can.

---

"You like my dog more than you like me." Kieron accuses.

I roll my eyes, "Your dog doesn't invite his girlfriend to the time we were supposed to work." I say, petting Kieron's boston terrier, Teddy, as he lays in my lap trying to sleep.

"Couples need to spend time together." Kaylee argues, sitting on Kieron's carpeted floor laying her head on his thigh while he's on his phone. I sit on his bed, laying out all the papers we need for this english project.

"And I need to get a good grade on this project." I challenge.

I look up in time to see Kieron roll his eyes, "This is an easy project, it's literally Henrik Ibsen." He tells me.

"And how much do you know about him?" I ask.

"Not much." He answers, truthfully.

I raise my eyebrows, "Neither do I, see the problem?"

"Fine, god." He huffs, standing up-earning a groan from Kaylee- and sitting on the bed next to me. "Where do we start?"

"You can research these two questions and enter them and the answers into the slideshow I sent you." I tell him, passing him a sheet of paper.

"And what'll you do?" Kaylee questions.

I shrug, "I already answered the other questions while you two were flirting." I answer.

She rolls her eyes, "You're too much of an overachiever." She accuses.

"When's the last time you guys talked to Luca?" I question, looking at my phone.

"Uh, like earlier today, why?" Kaylee replies.

I scroll to the last text I sent her today, still unread. "We kinda had a fight, I think she's ignoring me." I admit, talking about the conversation me and her had today.

"God, you two are attached at the hip." Kieron comments.

"Less judgement, more working." I say, brushing off his comment.

He grumbles, looking down at his laptop again. "Just apologize, she'll understand, you guys are really good friends."

Friends. Yeah, that's what we are as far as anyone's concerned. "Yeah, whatever." I type a text onto my phone, hitting send a second later, 'are you pissed about something?' I knew she was pissed. Every time I've texted her no matter the time she replies within ten minutes, now it has been two hours, she's not just putting off replying, she's ignoring me.

I'm forced out of my thoughts when my phone buzzes in my hand, I look down seeing her name pop up. "I gotta take this," I say, rushing to stay up. Teddy looks up at me sad as I push him out of my lap, I stare at his puppy dog eyes before I scoop him into my arms announcing to them both; "And I'm taking him with me." I step out of the room, closing the door behind me as I click answer on the call.

"Hey." Her voice calls, somewhat quiet.

"Are you okay?" I ask, concerned.

"Yeah things...are just a bit tense with my parents right now, I'm staying at my sister's for a while." She explains.

I squint at the wall in front of me, sitting down to make Teddy more comfortable, "D'you wanna talk about it?"

She sighs a bit from the other line, "No."

I sense her stress in her voice, "What can I do?"

"Come see me?" She replies simply, "But I get it, you're doing that homework or whatever, it's fine, Kris." She corrects herself.

I shake my head a bit, "No I'll come hang out." I tell her, "I mean I'm done with my part of the assignment."

"Really?" She questions.

"Of course." Usually I would want to micromanage Kieron's part but I can let go of that this time. For her.

"I'll come pick you up." She tells me, muttering a goodbye as she hangs up.

I look down at Teddy, pressing a kiss to his head. I love dogs. I wish I could keep him.

---

"Who's dog is this?" Luca asks as I enter the car parked out front of Kieron's house.

I buckle up before lifting Teddy back onto my lap, "Kieron's, he and Kaylee have the house to themselves so he let me take him for the night if I promised to return him in the morning." I explain, smiling about the news. It didn't even take much convincing, I guess Kieron doesn't like him?

"You're not bringing a dog into my apartment." The older woman tells us both, looking at me seriously.

"Oh shut up, Simone." Luca tells her, not offering a formal introduction. Simone-the girl I assume is Luca's sister- sits in the driver's seat, glaring at Luca as she starts the car. Her eyes remind me of Luca's, bright and curious but not nearly as interesting. Her brown hair lay straight falling into a short bob near her shoulders.

I feel Luca's hand slip back through the space between the car door and the back of her seat as she presents her hand to me out of sight. I smile, taking her hand in mine as I pet Teddy with the other.