At first José was very supportive, understanding of the ordeal I had been through, but all too soon our little scam of a marriage - predictably - fell apart. He began to realize that I was never going to get over the loss of Christian Grey. I couldn't offer him anything, my body unable to respond to him in any way with my heart being so shattered and dark. I knew from the start that it would come to this but what could I do? My need to give Christian's former life back to him and protect the baby growing inside me was far greater than my need for self-preservation - or José's needs, for that matter. It was too late to change any of it but I felt the regret, hard and heavy, along with the suffocating shame.
So now, for my sins, I'm a single mom, José having left us just over a month ago. I remember receiving a call from his dad, shortly after he walked out on us, informing me that José was taken to the hospital to recover from a vicious attack outside his apartment. He was badly beaten up, and apparently lucky not to have any lasting injuries. Something about the incident reminded me of Christian and left me wondering, curious to know if he had a hand in it.
It was no secret he had never liked José, and me marrying the man would have made Christian crazy mad. If he found out that José had left me while I was pregnant with what he thought was José's child, I shudder to think how angry it would make him. Christian is certainly capable of blind rage and so often his reactions were unexpected. I know that his possessive nature, his strong sense of right and wrong, could guide him into serving up justice as he saw fit even though I didn't belong to him anymore. How pitifully sad and ironic was it that I gave up my Dom, but that I still belonged to him?
What could have been if things were different, if this little one didn't show up so early? No, I berate myself, I can't think like that. I was never going to be able to keep Christian. How much worse would the fallout be had I been stuck in a marriage with someone who didn't love me and was only staying because of a child he didn't want to hurt as he had once been hurt?
My baby boy stirs. Soon he'll be awake and crying his will to nurse. I'm going to call him Chris, my way to honor his father, who will never know of his son's existence. Broken as I am, I'm so very grateful for his arrival. He'll help me get back on my feet, give me someone else to care for and love, a reason to go on. I can shed all the love I have for his dad onto him and he, in turn, can help me heal.
