ʜᴇᴀᴠᴇɴ ᴏʀ ʜᴇʟʟ ⟶ ɢinny ᴡeasley

xiii

(tw): suicidal thoughts, death

Jude realized that she was used to the loneliness, indifference, and emptiness that her own existence entailed, but every now and then she tried to get out of her own thoughts to really feel what someone other than Jude would feel. She didn't have a father to tap her on the shoulder in encouragement, nor a mother to braid her hair and tell her how proud she was of her. Maybe at another time she would have longed for it, but she'd grown up without it and it didn't even hurt how little she needed it.

She did not seek approval because she had no one to ask, nor validation, because she cared little for the opinions of others. Everything had ceased to make sense in her life for too long, and although she had tried to end her suffering, Jude felt vestiges in her heart that told her that her time had not yet come. She was trying to convince herself that she no longer had anything to do, no one to look for, no one to please, and Jude knew she had long since stopped doing things for herself; but she always had a curious way of finding her way back to life.

Still she couldn't help being curious: what would have happened if she had died in battle? What if she had succumbed to the darkest desires in her mind that told her to turn off her life? Would things continue like this? Would she feel a little lighter, knowing that she would stop causing harm? She remembered Seamus Finnigan's words that night in the kitchens, and, like that moment, she was neither pained nor impressed, because she still knew the Gryffindor was right.

She slid her hand along the metal railing and wished things were different. She allowed herself to wish, to remember long ago other times when she hadn't even considered those things. She had been happy, enough to focus on the good things in her life, even when she was in the manor, far from Hogwarts, very far from what really made her happy. Now there was nothing left of that life, no trace of the only thing that had given meaning to her life in eighteen years.

She leaned dangerously over the balcony of the Astronomy Tower, the wind blowing her hair from place to place, her eyes fixed on a point on the stone floor. She remembered how over a year ago Albus Dumbledore had fallen, limp, at the hands of Severus Snape before Draco's incredulous gaze and a blank but gasping Jude. She wondered if Dumbledore knew he was going to die, what was the last thing he had felt before the killing curse hit his body, what was the last thing his eyes had seen, and all those questions only raised new questions.

If she died right now, what is the last thing she would feel?

She reached into her jacket pocket, gripped a slightly wrinkled yellow envelope, and read its exterior. Wiltshire, England. She folded the paper to read its sender, and although she had not even read its contents, she knew who it came from and what it said; for that reason she sighed slightly when she read Narcissa Malfoy written in black ink, with perfect and careful handwriting.

Dear Victoria,

I wish you a happy birthday. I hope things at Hogwarts are going better than you expected, that you are learning, and that you are making a life for yourself. I know these are not the best circumstances for it, but I hope you can find in your heart the ability to forgive yourself and live a good life.

Like every year, I send you this letter. I still remember when you didn't go to Hogwarts yet: we would always visit you at home, and you would play with Draco in the garden. Draco talked about you like you put the stars in the sky, and I always knew he wanted you to become part of our family. However, I know that things have changed, and even so I still consider you as a daughter to me.

Over the years it becomes more difficult for me to think of something to give you, as likes keep changing, and I think yours are no exception. When you are older you will understand, but I think that the best gift we can give each other is the company and our presence, so I invite you to come home this Christmas, so we can chat, so you can tell me about your life and help me understand. You probably don't want to spend your entire break here, but I beg you at least attend Christmas dinner; both Draco and I will be delighted to have you with us.