Heart of Ice [Elsamaren]

My Dream Wedding

Author's Note: This should be coming out Monday the 27th. I am writing this like the night before tho even though I gave myself a week to write. Oh well, so is life.

I woke up late the next morning from the sun shining through a crack in my door. It was one of those things you would've never noticed unless you changed your schedule. I lounged around in bed for a while, alone with my thoughts. Ryder was true to his word, I guess. He left me alone in my poor health. Of course, I knew what to do with a few minutes of alone time. The same thing I had been doing practically every day for like a week. I flipped through some of my most recent journal entries, all pages and pages long. Usually, a week in my diary probably covered about one or two pages. A day could probably be squeezed into about a quarter of a page. But recently, I couldn't imagine trying to fit all of my emotions into less than a page. I was just feeling so much. So much that I knew could never be shared with any of the other Northuldra. So many feelings I would have to keep locked away inside forever. I could never tell anyone. My heart ached. I knew I was sick from the cold, but deep inside me I felt a different sickness. A sickness built up from deep longing and admiration. A sickness that would only infect me worse the longer I kept it hidden. I was love sick. I kept reading through my diary entries, all about Elsa. She was funny, she was beautiful, she was everything. I would do anything if it meant that she would feel the same way about me. I knew I was acting stupid. I mean, she barely even paid me any attention. I was lucky every time she even looked in my direction. I read back all the way to my first entry, what led me and Elsa to meet in the first place. My thoughts drifted towards her family. Her sister just recently got married to the boy she had come in with to the enchanted forest. I imagined how their lives must be now in Arendelle. Although I had never been, from what Elsa had told me, I had a general basis of what it looked like. I smiled as I remembered Elsa inviting me for a visit out there some time. It was different from the village we Northuldra had set up, it had paved roads and large houses meant to stay in one place. I pictured their wedding. Anna was a queen now, so her wedding was probably large and beautiful. I imagined everyone in Arendelle showing up, and golden bells ringing in the background. It wasn't much like me to want something like a large wedding, but it was fun to imagine. Now that the scenery was set in my mind, I placed myself in Anna's shoes. It was me wearing her beautiful gown and holding a gorgeous bouquet. My husband was a blank slate, though. It didn't make sense for me to picture Kristoff, since he was already married to Anna. I flipped through a couple of boys in my mind, but the thought of marrying them made me sick. I knew, in my sick, slightly delirious, state, I knew. In my mind I had Elsa standing next to me. I gave her her own stunning gown. We got to walk down the aisle together, in front of all the people of Arendelle. I tried to imagine Northuldra people at our wedding, but somehow it just didn't fit. I felt a stinging in my nose like I was about to cry. Like my family would ever accept anyone like me. I drew a little picture, just for myself. It was me and Elsa on our wedding day, with our gorgeous dresses, ringing bells, and all the people of Arendelle who didn't mind one bit. I scribbled, "What could never be" as a sort of title to my work. With that came the familiar feeling of warm tears falling down my cheeks and onto my paper.

"Why?" I cried out.

"Why can't I just tell her how I feel? Why am I not allowed? Why do I have to keep myself a secret?" I said, in anger. It was just so frustrating. I thought about Anna and Kristoff's stupid wedding. It wasn't fair. How come they get to get married and everyone loves them? I can't even look at Elsa for more than a second without everyone judging me. I simply cried into my pillow. I guess being sick had made me finally come to terms with the unfairness of it all. How people that I loved, people that I shared good memories with and good times with held this hatred in their hearts. Despite knowing me my entire life, they wouldn't hesitate to ostracize me for how I felt about Elsa. I hated it, and would never let the thought into my mind, but it floated around my subconscious.

This was one of those realizations you never let yourself remember. You push it back, further and further into your memory. After all the tears, I had dehydrated myself back into a deep sleep. As my mind faded into darkness, so did the acceptance of the realization I had made. I would just get over it, like I always do. My sickness made me weak. It let me be vulnerable. I could feel my memory making a mental note to recover as soon as possible. Liking Elsa, liking women for that matter was a topic I was going to take to my grave. So how my family feels about gay people isn't a problem to me. I could hear it, repeating in my head.

"I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight.." And just like that, I was back at square one.

Until I heard something knocking on my door.

"Come in," I said, half asleep. I opened my eyes to find Elsa standing in my room. My eyes quickly shot open.

"Are you, uh, drawing something?" She asked, motioning to my diary which I had stupidly left open. I really hoped she hadn't looked too closely at the details. I quickly slammed the book closed and shoved it into my satchel.

"Nope." I said. I was 100% ready to move onto what I had gone through earlier in the day.

"Uh, so where did you go yesterday?" I asked Elsa.

"It was game night with my family. I didn't mean to leave you so soon, but you were asleep and it's really important to Anna that I go." She explains. I simply nod my head.

"Although, it's just a little awkward now that she's gotten married. They don't leave me out, but I kinda feel like a third wheel, ya know?" She gives a slight laugh as she sits on my bed. I just couldn't take it. Elsa being here talking about her sister's wedding was just reminding me of everything that was unfair in my world. Maybe I was being selfish, maybe I just should be happy for Anna and Kristoff. But I couldn't. I couldn't hear what Elsa was saying anymore. I felt the lump in my throat rising.

"Are you okay?" Elsa asked me. That was the final straw. The floodgates opened. The tears came out. In front of Elsa! I was so ashamed.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know," I paused to sniffle, "What's wrong." I tried to wipe my eyes with my sleeve.

"I'm fine, okay? I'm fine. I just need," I took a deep breath, "To suck it up. I'm okay." Elsa grabbed my face in your hands.

"It's okay to let yourself be upset, Honey." My heart couldn't help but beat really fast. I liked that nickname. Usually, my nickname is Maren. I liked Honey a lot more.

"You don't have to be strong all of the time, okay? Tell me what's wrong." She finally let go of my cheeks. I just shook my head at her. More tears began to fall.

"I can't tell you." I looked down towards my hands. There was no way I could make eye contact. "I can't tell anyone," I said slightly softer.

"It can't be that bad," Elssa tried to assure me.

"It is," I said, slightly harsher than I meant it to sound. "Well, it is to me." I hated that I was crying. I hated that I couldn't control myself. I was letting Elsa see too much of me. She would have too many questions. The thought was only making it easier for the tears to come out. A few moments had passed before Elsa spoke again.

"I think I know something that can help." She said.

"Really?" I asked. She stood up off my bed and extended her hand out for me to hold.

"Follow me," she said. I took her hand.

Author's note: Okay sorry if it's kind of a short chapter, this was just a tad bit of filler I needed between plot points, but the next chapter should be coming out on Monday.