I want to die, Phil

Ranboo awoke with a jolt. It's nightmares were getting worse. Memories of a past that weren't it's own tore through it's mind. It was getting harder and harder for Ranboo to sleep nowadays. With Tubbo and Micheal in Snowchester, Ranboo had no one to comfort it. So it was left alone with it's thoughts, which is never a good thing for Ranboo.

One would think forgetting troubling memories would be easy for Ranboo, but it cannot control which memories it gets to keep and which get forgotten. So Ranboo laid awake again, trying to make these false memories go away.

When happy thoughts weren't enough to keep Ranboo's mind at bay, it turned to more physical acts. It pulled on its hair and threw off its shirt in overstimulation. It could feel every hair, every tooth, every cell of skin on its shaking body, and it was overwhelming. Between the memories and the overstimulation, Ranboo was left a sobbing, rocking mess. Despite being tall, it was able to curl up into a surprisingly small ball. Ranboo tapped on the floor with its long fingers, trying to ground itself. Nothing was working however.

Ranboo tried to breathe, it tried so hard. Every breath felt like it was tearing Ranboo apart, from the inside out. Not enough air, too much light, too much air, too much, too much, too much everything.

Ranboo had barely even noticed when a quiet, "Mate?" Called from the front door. But hearing Phil's voice didn't make everything else around it to disappear, so Ranboo continued to sob.

"Ranboo, are you home?" Phil asked from the door, clicking away some locks and pressing the metal door open. Phil didn't often visit this late at night but Ranboo did know that he had a tendency to stay awake for weeks on end, seemingly never weary. Even Technoblade, the blood god himself, slept nightly.

"Oh mate, what's wrong?" Phil spotted Ranboo from across the room, tangled in its legs. Philza walked over slowly, making sure to tuck in his wings when approaching. He cooed softly as he meandered over.

Ranboo had calmed down a little bit since Phil had begun to gently pet its head and whisper to it.

"P-Philza..?" Ranboo muttered, still crying slightly.

"Yes. It's me Ranboo. You're okay." Phil held Ranboo close to him and wrapped his wings around it.

It was warm and safe in Philza's wings. Not many had gotten the chance to marvel at his spectacular wingspan or feel his soft and smooth feathers.

"What happened, Ranboo? Are you hurt?" Phil inspected its body for injury. "No.. I'm okay Phil, just a bad dream. That's all." Ranboo choked. "Will you tell me what happened? I promise not to tell a soul." Phil was trustworthy and Ranboo knew that. Phil would make it okay.

"Phil. I've been having... Remember the voices I talked about? Well they're not exactly voices and more like memories. Like- like one moment I'll be with Tubbo and we'll be fine and the next I'm watching myself burn down the community house or like breaking Dream out of the prison." It stopped to cry for a moment. Phil only then realized that Ranboo's tears were burning it. He quickly wiped them off, and hugged him closer.

"I- I don't know how much longer I can take this. These- these memories, they won't go away. I just want them gone. Why Phil? Why me? No matter how hard I try they just keep coming back. The only way I could think of them leaving is if- if I'm dead. I want to die, Phil. Make it all go away." Ranboo cried out.

Philza remembered his son. His blade plunging itself into Wilbur. The feeling of killing his son.

"Kill me, Phil. Please. I want to die so bad."

Was it Ranboo or Wil saying it? It didn't matter. Phil wasn't going to lose another child.

"I'm not going to do that, Ranboo. You know I'm not going to." Phil cooed and held it. "Tubbo needs you, Micheal needs you, we all need you. You were hurt by others but that doesn't mean you are a bad person. Okay? You here me mate?"

Ranboo nodded.

"Techno would kill me if I ever let you die from your own hand. It's not your time to die, Ranboo. You can die when God comes from the heavens and strikes me down first." Philza hugged Ranboo even tighter.

"Thank you, Phil. Can I say something to you? It might be weird but I really mean it and I want you to know-" Ranboo is cut off.

"I love you too." Phil interrupts.

"Yeah. I love you, Phil." Ranboo sighed softly. Tiredness begun to wash over it, but it had a protector now. Phil would be there for it, no matter what.

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