Best For Me

Chapter 23 [FINAL]

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Oh God, what had she done? Lia sank to the floor of the hallway and put her hands to her face. It was the first she'd felt of the tears that were now streaming down with alarming frequency. She'd been so numb from what Yeji had said, so blindsided and so stunned, that she literally didn't know she was crying. And now she couldn't stand up.

Shaking, she hugged her knees to her chest and sobbed. She forgot everything – her children in the living room, the rest of her life waiting for her – and let the misery overtake. It wasn't until she heard Alex wailing, ready for another feed, that she let her head come up. The trails of tears that had criss-crossed her face left a dry, red swathe. The tremor in her hands and legs was strong, strong enough to make her need to steady herself on the wall as she got up.

Numb and cold, she padded to the dining room and fed Alex. Elly caught her eye. The look of shock on her little face was instant and flashed up so fast that it caught them both by surprise. Lia tried to smile but it wouldn't come. She couldn't even make it okay for her daughter, who was far too young to understand.

The little girl waddled over. She leaned into Lia and watched Alex feed, one hand delicately curled around her mother's knee, the other making small circles on her mother's back.

Lia bit her lip and held back new tears: tears for the fact that her daughter was now comforting her, which felt so wrong; and tears for the fact that it was now the three of them, and their family was broken, which was also so wrong.

She held back everything and pulled herself together. It lasted long enough for Alex to go down for his nap and for Elly to be settled at the dining table colouring in. She looked happy enough but Lia knew that she was still worried.

She moved silently to her own bedroom and sat on her bed, leaving the door slightly ajar behind her. Curling up on her bed and hugging Mr Ruffles, who had somehow found his way into her arms, she turned her face into the pillow and cried.

It was a slow realisation, the fact that emotional pain could transition so easily to physical pain. Lia had never felt like this before: so empty, so torn apart, so apathetically unable to do anything but fall apart. It was hurting so hard, so badly, that she thought she was going to drown in the pressure on her chest.

There was nothing there to save her until the doorbell rang. She couldn't be bothered getting up to answer it. Alex was still down for his nap and she didn't want to see anyone, couldn't face the prospect of opening the door. She heard it open and didn't move. Only three sets of people had a key: Yeji, Soobin and her parents.

Right now, she could only pray it was one of the first two, but preferably the first. Lia's heart sped up until it was thumping in her chest like an oncoming freight train.

She heard a deep voice in the living room. It was Soobin. Lia's heart slowed a little, but the flatness that invaded her body at the knowledge that it wasn't her Yeji helped the tears flow again.

There was utter defeat in Lia, no energy left for anything. She wasn't even crying, really. The tears were just moving out of their own accord, her sadness sapping the energy to sob from her core.

There was the noise of Soobin moving down the corridor. Lia didn't lift her head, but she was lying on her side and facing the door, so she saw the instant he entered the room anyway.

She heard his almost whispered sigh, "Oh, Lia."

And then the tears fell a little bit harder. The side of the bed sank in and Soobin's strong arms pulled her upright, settling Lia into a strong but soft embrace. She clung onto the blue shirtfront and began to soak it through.