Dean's confession

bring Cass back

My wonderful, pitiful Dean, Castiel thought, slowly approaching the window. Cautiously his fingers stroked the curtains aside, so he could have a better look at the man sitting on the desk, buried by countless books. Shadows lay under his eyes from sleepless nights and many tears...
It's the first time I see you after all this time... I left you crying and I come back to find you crying.
Castiel's heart beat in a steady, warm rhythm. A comfortable feeling he had missed in the endless abyss of death that drowned in cold.
Dean's head sank down on the books, lower and lower until he fell asleep.
Castiel kept standing in front of the window, observing the situation from outside. When Dean's eyes were closed he dared to leave his hideout, entering the house with his angelic powers.
He found himself downstairs in the hall and let his eyes wander through the foreign environment. The wooden walls of a holiday house surrounded him. Sam and Dean had rented this place to get rid of stress and depression. For the first time in their lives, they took time to relax. Usually, they continued with new cases to distract themselves from all former happenings, but this time... they had defeated god, and who else could stand in the way after an enemy of this dimension?
Still, Dean had locked himself in his room to work on a case. He just could not let it go. He had always been like that, hard-working and uncompromising towards himself, only finding release in more pain...
When Castiel finally stood in front of his door - he had walked up the stairs very slowly - his heartbeat became louder.
Has it ever been like this?
Yes... that one time when I told him the truth. My heart has been so human before... but now... it feels like my chest is on fire.
His hands shook when he touched the door handle and silently entered the room Dean temporarily lived in. There he was.
Seeing him right in front of him, closer than before, and in flesh and blood, hit Castiel differently...
He came near, trying not to wake his friend up.
The golden light of the desk lamp shone on Dean's features.
"Oh Dean..."
Dean looked pale and red at the same time as if he had a hangover. He appeared thinner, his forehead shimmered from sweat.
"I'm gonna help you ...", Castiel whispered, laying his palm on Dean's temple. A bright light began to flow from Castiel's to Dean's body, accompanied by a new pleasant tickling that made Castiel chuckle unconsciously. Even healing Dean felt different now...
Dean winced, took in a hasty breath, but did not wake up.
"Come with me... get up." Castiel's arms grabbed Dean's shoulder. Sleepy Dean felt a warm touch and intentionally followed it. "That's it... you're doing well. Follow me to the bed ... there you go."
When Dean recognized the soft surface of the bed he quickly adjusted his body to a sleeping position, bending his knees and hugging the pillow. Castiel sat down next to him, spreading the bedsheet over his body.
"Everything will be alright... I promise you, Dean..."
His hand reached for Dean's forehead again, letting golden energy flow into him. He knew that if he wanted to make Dean healthy and strong like before he would need to stay for a few hours and sacrifice a lot of his own energy, but he did not mind. He had been separated from Dean for so long he could not imagine anything better than staying at his side for a while longer, no matter how bad the situation was.

Dean slept peacefully, for the first time in months. When he woke up he thought he had sensed the presence of someone. He threw glances through the room, but he only saw the first sun rays of the morning.
A little confused, he left the bed and took a shower. His body still ached but he did not feel as miserable as the days before. He also could not remember how he had found the way to his bed. The last thing he knew was that he had read an interesting passage in one of his books. He reflected on it under the hot water.
If this incarnation really works... maybe I can finally bring him back...
Dressed in jeans and a white shirt he walked down to make himself a coffee. Sam was already preparing breakfast, turning his head in surprise.
"Up so early?"
Dean did not reply. As usual, he was grumpy and distant-minded. He sat down on the table, waiting for Sam to serve the foot. It did not take long until his brother put eggs and bacon on Dean's plate. "You could at least say thank you.", Sam complained, while Dean kept his silence and they started eating.
"Don't you think it's about time for you to - I don't know - cruise around and meet new people...?"
Dean sighed, eating his eggs.
"I mean... you can't go on like this forever! I'm worried about you."
"Sam, can you just stop?!"
"Dean, we should talk about this! Every morning you come down looking more miserable than the day before! We are here to relax, but all you do is work all day and night!"
Dean rolled his eyes and wanted to leave.
"...gonna eat somewhere else."
Sam raised from his seat and took Dean's wrist. "I know you're trying your best, but there are things you will never be able to solve!"
"What do you know!?" Dean frowned angrily.
"I know you want to bring Cass back, we all want that, but Dean, you need to accept that he won't return this time! You have to move on!"
Dean freed himself from Sam's grip. "As I said: You know nothing!"
"So you have found a way to bring him back?"
"I might."
"This is the fourth time you say this! How about the three attempts we made before?! We - YOU - sacrificed so much but what did it bring in the end?! Look at you! You lost all your strength! No matter what it is this time, I can't support you with it! This madness has to stop! If you can't protect yourself I will!"
"Fuck you Sam! I don't need protection!"
Dean was very angry by now, intending to rush out of the room, but again, Sam grabbed his arm.
"Dean, I don't understand it! Cass has been dead before, but you never tried to get him back so madly! You always came to your senses - what is different this time?! What has changed?!"
Dean clenched his teeth while his thoughts replied to Sam's question and tears welled in his eyes...
You wanna know what has changed, Sammy...? Absolutely everything!
Cass... he used to be my best friend until he... until he confessed to me. Until he ripped my heart out and threw it to the ground. When he squeezed it, it stopped beating.
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think.
When he let go... I came back to life. I finally knew why I'd never been able to have a relationship...
I'd lost my heart a long time ago, without even realizing it. I was too blind and when I finally woke up, I knew what I wanted... but it had already run through my fingers like the sand of a broken hourglass...!
He choked it down. He could not tell Sam the truth, but Sam had seen the tears in his eyes, shortly before he slammed the door to disappear.
Sam stood in the living room in confusion. Tears in his brother's eyes had always been a rare sight and a warning. There was something going on that he was not aware of and he needed to find out about it, for Dean's sake, because... his big brother never knew what was good for him.