Misfits Series #2: Clear Your Heart

Unattainable Attained

There was an explosion of both cheers and applause as the emcees open the cue cards where the scores were written.

I anxiously waited for them to speak, we held our breaths as the emcees look through the cards with an unreadable expression.

“Ready na ba talaga ako?” pabulong kong tanong sa sarili ko. Lumingon ako sa mga katabi kong kalahok na walang bakas ng kaba sa mga mukha.

Mas lalong lumaki ang mga ngiti nila matapos ilabas ang mga corona at tropeyo sa harap namin, habang ako’y napapa-isip na lamang. “Asan kaya d’yan ang para sa akin?”

I looked around me, all of them were . . . fitting for the title, pero ako, bakit pa nga ba ako sumali rito?

Para kanino? Para saan? Hindi ko na maalala, napilitan ba ako, mapalad ba na ako ang nakasama o malas dahil sa mga naranasan ko ’to dahil lang sa sumali ako?

If I didn’t join, what would’ve had happen . . . will I see ever see my worth, if it wasn’t for the bitter truth that seeking acceptance from people other than yourself is pointless, that no one had really stopped me but myself?

Without these . . . I wouldn’t be the Akira that I am now.

I would’ve lived believing that I will never be accepted by people, disgusted because of this disease that I was born with. I would’ve continued hating myself because of who I was . . . kaya ngayong binabalikan ko lahat ng ito, hindi ba’t parang anlayo na ng narating ko?

Pero hindi ’to ang dulo . . . life only ends when you die, hindi mawawala ang pagkakamali, pagkatuto, that’s why . . . perfect is just a word to describe imperfection.

So, magiging okay na ba ang lahat—
“The results are already out, when I call out your name please come here to get your awards.”

We braced ourselves, my heart paced faster as my hand starts to sweat.

“For our third runner up, please step up, A . . . Arambulo Princess.” The girl beside me stood up in joy. She walked proudly on stage as the others cheer.

She received her crown and so is her awards. Her walk was way better than mine, she looks better than me, she deserves it.

“Now, for our second runner up.”

A part of me wished for my name to be called but . . . my name was never called.

“Our first runner up, for Miss Elegance.”

I patiently waited for my turn . . . waited for them to say my name, at least once.

“And finally, our Miss Elegance.” I raised my hope . . . “Krisha Mae Aranda.”

Baka ito na, Akira!

“Our special awards, once again please come up here once we call your name.”
Did they call me? No, maybe . . . I was dozing off that I missed it.

One by one, they left their seats, standing in the stage, beaming with pride. One by one, they received theirs so where’s mine? I was left alone sitting there with empty seats beside.

I kept hearing my name from behind me . . . habang ang iba ay pabulong na tumatawa. Mag-isa akong nakaupo sa mga silya, misirableng pahiya na nasa baba habang sila’y nagpapakasaya sa taas . . . ngayon ko nalaman kung ano nga ba ang kahulugan ng salitang hiya . . .

Narinig ko ang tinig ng mga kaibigan ko na nasa likod ko, pinilit kong ngumiti sa pag lingon ko sa kanila. “Ang malas ’no?” pabiro kong bulyaw dito.

Hindi sila umiimik, pati ang mga ngiti nila’y pilit. “Can I borrow your phone, saglit lang.”

Ranz handed his phone to me hesitantly. I grabbed it tightly and dialed my papa.

“Pa, puwede pasundo?” My voice cracked as I my hand starts to tremble.

“Bakit naman ’Nak—” Bago pa siya makasagot ay pinilit kong unahan siya bago magsimulang tumulo ang mga luha.
“Please, Pa . . . gusto ko na umuwi, please,” pabulong kong pagkumbinsi dito.

Hindi na siya sumagot at pinatay ang tawag, hirap na akong huminga, hindi ko na kinaya pang magsalita. Umupo akong mag-isa, hinihiling na maka-uwi na.

I was saved by my father, I ran to him not knowing that my teacher followed me outside, she mouthed, “Okay ka lang ba?”

I forced myself to answer her even though words were stuck on my throat. “A—Ayos lang naman po, masakit lang po ’yong ulo ko.”

Umangkas ako sa motor ng tatay ko, at bago pa siya makasagot ay naka-alis na kami, habang papaalis ay sawakas narinig ko na ang pangalan ko pero parang . . . late na.

“A certificate of participation for Akira Agustin.”

Huminto si papa, sabay lingon sa akin. “Gusto mo kunin natin.”

Hinigpitan ko ang hawak ko sa kaniya at sumagot, “Uwi na tayo please, Pa.” Hindi na siya sumagot pa at nagpatuloy siyang nagmaneho.

I forced myself to contain the tears, leaning on my papa’s back, it pains me remembering each and every word they said . . . the way they looked at me, the way they judge me when I was there in front of them.

After a short ride home, he stopped in front of our house. Wala na akong inisip pa at dali-daling tumakbo sa aking kuwarto. Sa pagsara ko rito’y tumakas na rin ang luha sa aking mga mata.

“Gan’to na naman ba . . .” Napalingon ako sa salamin at ngumiti sa sarap nito, pero hindi natakapan ang sakit  ang patuloy pag-agos ng luha sa aking mukha.
Despite it all, the boos were louder but I chose to hear the cheers . . .

I looked at my reflection once again, brushed off my tears and smiled once again. “My life doesn’t even end here, bakit ako umiiyak . . . ano naman, ginagawa ko ang lahat pero hindi talaga para sa akin . . .” Pumikit ako at huminga ng malalim.

“Hindi ako mapapahiya kung hindi ko ikinahiya ang sarili ko sa una pa lang . . .” Buong buhay ko . . . inakala ko sila ang nagdidicta ng lahat, nakalimutan ko na ang sarili ko, inuna kong pakinggan kung anong gusto nila sabihin, na nakalimutan ko pakinggan kung ano naman ’yong gusto ko, kung ano ako.

I smiled once more but this time it wasn’t forced, it because wasn’t pity, not guilt nor shame . . . but love, love that comes from myself.

Everything that I was looking for can already found within. “Love that comes with acceptance.”

With a slight bit of hesitation, I grabbed the doorknob and quietly opened the door. I walked towards my mother who was talking with papa when suddenly she turned me.

I ran to them with arms wide open and hugged them as tight as I can . . . “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” I cried on their arms as they give out a slight chuckle.

“Why are you even saying sorry? Akira, you’ve done nothing wrong to us, anak ko, walang kang ginawang masama, hindi sa amin, hindi sa iba, kung hindi sa sarili mo, how can you be so selfless yet selfish when it comes to your feelings.”

“I wasn’t able to be the perfect daughter for you . . . wala akong maibigay sa inyo, kahit na simpleng award, wala, patawarin niyo po ako, Ma, Pa, for being a disappointment.”

“You are not perfect. Why should you be? We are not,” he muttered as I lift my head up, seeing how their smiles were tender, and how their eyes was filled affection.

“Pati rin kami ’Nak, patawarin mo kami ng mama mo dahil hindi kami naging perfect na magulang para sa ’yo, dahil kahit ano man ang gawin natin, mayroon at mayroon pa rin tayong magiging pagkukulang.”

Dahan-dahan akong bumitaw pero hindi nabali ang tingin ko sa kanila. “You can make mistake, you can have be sad or angry . . . you are not a robot to act on what others want you to be. You are human with emotions and unmet needs. You are free and in control, remember that, always.”

Ito na, sure na ’to, final na . . . let me hope that, this will be the last time that I will ever lose myself searching for others.

And with that, I slept with ease and understanding . . . even after what has happened, for the first time, I was able to be in peace . . .

Paulit-ulit ko na ibinaba ang sarili ko nang hindi ko nalalaman pero, they were always there . . . to pull me out of the darkness.
This will be the end of the cycle.
The memories flashed back as I open my eyes. Bagong araw, bagong simula ika nga nila. Tatayo pa lang sana ako nang bigla akong binulabog ng may tumawag sa akin.

Agad ko itong sinagot nang malaman na galing ’to kay Stephanie. “Akira, anong oras ka papasok?” Her drowsy tone was quite understandable, may tumatawag ba tuwing madaling-araw? It was four in the morning!

“Natutulog ka pa ba?” pabiro kong tanong rinig ang pabulong nitong tawa.

Bago pa ako makahinga ulit. “Anong oras nga ba? Gusto ko pang matulog!”

“So bakit parang kasalanan ko pa? Mga six siguro nandyan na ako—”

“Ah, sige-sige, wait lang ay—” Nabulantang ako sa biglang tili ni Stephanie matapos kong makarinig ng isang bagay na kumalabog. “Oh my gosh, wait nandyan ka pa pala Akira—”

Hindi na ako nakasagot matapos niyang putulin ang tawag namin. “Tuluyan na ba siyang nasiraan? H’wag naman sana.”

I put down my phone and started my day. I prepared my food, took a bath, and . . . rushed a homework just like how I always do, and when that alarm rings, I set off.

I grabbed my bag and left the house as quietly as I could and already felt the cold breeze— pero s’werte pa rin ako at may suot-suot ko palagi ang jacket ko.

I took a not so long walk until I saw our school, Stephanie was pacing back and forth in front of the gate. “Ina-abangan ba ako no’n? Masyado naman ’tong nag-alala,” anas ko bago lumakad papunta sa kaniya.

“Akira Agustin!” masiglang bati nito sa akin, nilapitan ko siya nang mapansin ko na wala na siyang dala-dala na bag.

“Naiwan mo bag mo?” tanong ko rito nang biglaan niya akong hinatak papasok ng school hanggang sa makarating kami sa room.

“Huy! Asan na si Ranz? Ba’t ang dilim ng room? Diba maaga ’yon pumapasok?”

Nang buksan ko ang pinto, humantong sa akin ang pagmumukha ng mga kaibigan ko kasama ang advisor ko na may hawak-hawak na isang maliit na trophy at korona.

“Let’s welcome our fourth contestant, Akira Agustin, congratulations for being our Miss Virtue!” Jamie acted like an emcee holding a stick of broom that serves as his microphone.

I gave out a slight chuckle as I walk towards my advisor beside Ranz. “Ano ’to, Ranz? Ma’am?”

Lumingo ako sa advisor ko na inabot sa akin ang isang maliit na trophy, naramdaman ko ang galak nang mahawakan ko ang trophy na iyon, hindi mai-paliwanag pero iba.

“You may not have won as Miss Elegance, but you’ve prevailed the odds and won as . . . our Miss Virtue.”

I gave a slight smile before turning to Ranz who held the crown up as I slightly lower myself. He placed the crown carefully on my head seeing his subtle smile.

“My queen,” he mouthed without any sound.

I tried not to move around. “The crown might fall,” I mouthed anxiously.

“It won’t, it fits perfectly on you,” dagdag pa ni Ranz matapos kong pagmasdan ang sarili ko sa isang salamin.

I grasped the trophy tightly, seeing a slight dent. “Ito ’yong nahulog kanina ’no?”

Napatango na lang si Jamie na nagtago sa likod ng advisor namin.

“Thank you.”

They answered back only with a smile. I saw how others sat there staring at us, some are holding back their laughter, some whispers, but . . . none of that mattered, it shouldn’t had.

Life is how you see it and how you want it to be.

The others were not as important as myself, not as important as people in front of me who’ve been with me, who’ve seen the best of me, and . . . the people who accepted me for who I was and who I am today.

I attained something much more than valuable, a crown or any objects, I have friends who valued me, who loved me much more than how much I’ve loved myself before, and who treated me like how I deserve to be.

The people who I am proud to call . . . my friends.

END