Lonely Strangers

Intrusive Thoughts

Why are all of these people staring at me? Why can't I even walk through the street at ease? I wonder how they look at me? Maybe my clothes are too dirty and old? Maybe I should try to get another job? So I can get rid of this mold? Who can really say, who is right, who is wrong? When will I ever get inspired to live in a home? They look at me as if I'm a piece of trash, I wonder if I deserve to be in their class? Who knew I'd be lost for years?

          Could someone find my purpose? I lost it decades ago, now I'm wandering around town to find it but I think it went international. Would a plane even let me through? I feel like I'm the only person that knows what I'm going through. Why did my parents kick me out at 19? Why are all of these people just staring at their phone screens? Do they not see me? Or do they not care? One day could they become like me and think life is unfair? If I stole all that they had and put my feet in their shoes, would they feel how I feel and beg for a meal?

        I've been asking myself, 'why am I alive' lately. Why did God create me? When I look in the mirror I wonder if that is really me? How could somebody that was so happy feel this miserable? Now life seems like nothing but a compilation of visuals. Don't you talk to strangers to escape the thoughts? Aren't you the same as me? Have you ever told them about your stress and reality? It sucks right? They don't care, walk away, thinking that your calling wolf. I wish there was still someone I could still call or that understood.

      I'm already 24, if I went to college I would've graduated, right? I've been scrapping for change, even started my own business on the streets. "Sir, would you like a single for fifty cents?" Did he just ignore me? Why is he walking faster? It's only a bud! Why are tears coming down my eyes? When did it become so cold? Should I just hide in the library? Or sleep on this bench? Who are these kids that are coming here with knuckled fists? They look like they could only be about 14 or 15? "What do you want?" I said.

       When did they start beating me with their hands and feet? How come I'm so used to this, that it doesn't sting? Why do they spit on me? How did they get angry, or put their stress on me? Maybe I'm at fault for being useless and smelly? Why does this bruise feel so comforting? How did pain become my only friend? When did society start to pretend that life was good? Why does the constitution say I'm equal and free, but my own government is suppressing me? How come I couldn't use my high school degree to get a decent job? Maybe I'm too deep in poverty that my best bet is to began to rob? Why are kids like them, dying younger than me? I wonder if they will grow up to be just like me?

      Back in high school, why did I smoke a lot? How come I didn't do my best? Even worst, why did I cheat on tests? How did my father feel when he beat my mother? Why did my mom scream at me when I tried to protect her? What did she mean when she said that if I really loved her that I would have kept quiet? How is love so blind and confusing? Why does it hurt so much, to the point my dad found it amusing? Why did I punch that homeless man over and over? Maybe karma is trying to show me a cycle? That this is what I deserve.

     It's already morning? What a crazy night, aren't they all wild? What's in this garbage can? Maybe beef jerky? No? Ok, leftovers are fine too. I  know there are more people out there, that are just like me. I know I'm not the only one, so would you please find me? Nothing ever seems to work, but I won't give up. If I could at least, hold your hand, then I won't mess up. I wonder if someday I will have a son or a daughter? I can only imagine the gifts I would buy him or her. For now, should I find water? I'm a bit thirsty.

Writer's note: Commenting is pretty important, so do that so I can know that my work isn't completely irrelevant. Not to mention It makes me feel great, knowing that I can get some feedback, tips, or in whatever form, from you guys  - the readers - thanks for reading this by the way. Thanks for sticking around. (vote too, it matters more than you think >_<)