smile, rosemary

nine

her

it is decided;
south lee is
the ray of
sunshine that
comes into my
life.

because he is
the first person
in a lifetime who
is trying to help
out without cuffing
me to an anchor and
forcing me to talk
about how
fucking sad i am.

he guides me inside
a hall of screaming teens,
and i pinch his arm. he rubs
it and stares at me:
"what, rosemary?"
"where did you take me?"
"a concert. i like this
guy's music. i like to think
he wrote it based on a girl."

we sit in front,
the concert is free.
and we are early birds,
waiting for some boy to
come out and sing his feelings.

our surroundings
fill up and i am
struggling to breathe,
too many people are
too close to me.

"hi, i'm west tylers."
the handsome boy
sings about a girl
with the name of
a flower, and i wonder
if he ever loved her.

"this is about a girl
i once knew. i was
an asshole to her.
and i will always be
sorry for what i did."

but his words fade
in my ears.

i wonder if
i will ever be
lucky enough
to love anyone
and to be loved back.

i look at south,
who smiles at me.

"you're one of the
best people i know,"
i shout over the music.

south shrugs,
"i'm one of the
best people i know
too."

i laugh.
-

him

we walk the falling
streets, she is close
to the edge of the sidewalk
and i am terrified that she
might stumble and fall.

"rosemary," i take her
place and push her away,
"don't get yourself killed."

she hums and takes another
bite of the ice cream we're sharing,
she says that concerts get her hungry.
"wouldn't that be tragic."

i think of my mom and sisters,
who are staying at my grandpa's,
because my son-of-a-bitch dad
decided that marrying a black
woman and having four children
with her is a waste of time and left.

and i want to grab rosemary,
shake her shoulders and tell her
to shut up. because comments like
that aren't funny. because i found
my youngest sister trying to run
away; because her dad didn't love her.

"don't say that," i say.
"what?"
"don't say things like that."
she slows her pace,
"sorry."

we sit at a bench near
the last goal of the night,
and she gives me a half finished
cup of chocolate chip ice cream.
"thanks," i say.

we stay in silence for a
certain time, absorbing
the nature of life.
heavy thoughts
are held in the air
with frail strings.

"south,
how are you so happy?"
"what do you mean?"
"how are you so happy
all the time? how do you
not let things get to you?"

i look at her,
"rosemary, do you know me?"
my question catches her off guard. "y-yeah."
"no, you don't," i smile sadly. "you don't."

i let the wind
whistle in her ear
and say: "rosemary,
why are you so sad?"

her eyes greet the ground
and she fails to look away.

"because i am horrible.
i don't deserve any good.
i'm not sad, not exactly.
just that i don't care about
anything at all. sometimes i do,
but sometimes i don't. my mind
doesn't function properly.

when i think, everything overrides.
when i try to, i don't think at all.
i feel like i'm empty. i'm a hollow
shell of a human being.  a project
that went wrong."

she is so quiet,
but i want her to scream.

"sorry," she mumbles.
"don't be. the only time
you'll have to be sorry
is if you surrender to this."

"what?" she's confused.

i hold her face in my hands
and it is soft, braided with
fading scars that she never deserved.

"you are not your sadness.
you are a warrior. you are
strong and you're a healing
shell of the best girl i know,
besides my family. hell,
if you were a mistake,
you'd be one no one would
ever erase. because you're
indelible. and if you give in
to this sadness, you're giving up
on yourself. and that in itself
is the worst crime you could
do to yourself."

"i don't know how
to get better."

"rose, i'm not here to save you.
i'm here to help you save yourself.
i'm your friend, not your knight.
you are your own knight in shining
armor."