DEAR DIARY : Born is not an option

Seeds of Rotten Apples

Hi! I'm Nurul Aisyah Izzati from Malaysia. I'm a 27 year old lady who has been living my entire life as a "child out of wedlock". Let me bring you guys to the world that I've been facing since the first moment I opened my eyes.

5th March 1994
It was the starting of my "refusable life". The fate that I never hope I would have in the first place. Jerantut, Pahang.. I was born at a private clinic that was very common among the "mistake makers". Yes.. I am a mistake. Everyone says that.. My life is just a mistake that my parents should hadn't choose. My "responsible parents" left me at a my Nenek's(grandma) house.Luckily my Nenek was a soft hearted woman, a responsible mother and a kind grandmother. My Nenek was a widow who lived with her pension allowance as a retired teacher. She was a great teacher and but I hope she taught her son(my father) properly as she should. Hajah Mariam, a very respected woman in Kampung Cemara but her son's mistake had just smeared her dignity.

Every year, I was angry with my nenek when my birthday came. She never held a birthday party for me. She cooked my favourite food, she bought my favourite cake but birthday part? Nah..That never came into her mind. Every year, she said "We don't need a party. Why don't we just pray and thank Allah for allowing us to breathe until now?". That's what we did every year. Besides, nenek never allowed me to go camping or even let me spend more time with my friends. Right after the school session over, she patched me and brought me to home. I wondered why did she do that? Why did she raise me to become a selfish and arrogant individual? What's the point teaching me to become a solehah woman when I don't cope with the society? I had no idea about my status of "ANAK HARAM (UNHOLY CHILD) since nenek kept the secret very well.

May 2011
My school was having a carnival for spm students including me. I participated in a Nasyid competition. Nasyid is a type of religious performance that spreads the good values through songs. The competition was attended by many of villagers from our village. AND... When it came to my turn, all the aunties were started to whisper and talked back about me. While in the toilet, I found out such a heartbreaking truth. The aunties said, "CONGRATS! THIS MUST BE THE FIRST TIME AN "ANAK HARAM" WON A NASYID COMPETITION?".. They eveb added , "MARIAM DID WELL JOB RAISING HER GRANDCHILD ..OBVIOUSLY SHE DOESN'T WANT THE MISTAKE TO HAPPEN AGAIN". I was very confused. This was the first time I heard about this.

Mixed feeling. When I saw my nenek waiting for me at the school gate, my feeling was filled with anger. I didn't talk to her until we reached home. At home, I asked her.. "AM I REALLY AN ANAK HARAM? AM I REALLY A DISGUSTING MISTAKE OF MY PARENTS ?". My nenek suddenly raised her voice , "NO!. YOU ARE NOT AN ANAK HARAM..YOU'RE NOT DISGUSTING. YOU'RE MY GRANDAUGHTER.". I burst into tears.. And asked her with slower tone , "my parents weren't really die during a car accident , were they?".. Nenek sadly told me that my parents left me and just ran away. According to what she had heard , my father, her son was in jail due to drugs addiction and murder. He killed my mother. What a tragic incident! How could nenek bare with all this situation? No wonder she was very isolated in the community. All her actions that she took because she didn't want me to hear all those sick truth. She didn't want me to get hurt. But, it's okay. I need to step on the real ground of earth.

The truth spread rapidly at school. My friends were clearly making a distance from me. But, why did they do that? My unholiness won't infect them. I couldn't believe that the parents mistake could really created a hurricane in the life of their child. My nenek told me , "if your parents didn't love you, they wouldn't let you even born"...BUT, they must hate me very much since they wanted to torture me the whole life. I had no friends.. What's shocking was the teachers were making a distance too! How could educated people ever discriminated a life of an innocuous wedlock child like me? What did I do wrong? Being born is not an option that I could choose. But living is my option and I didn't want to live miserably.

March 2018,
My SPM result was out..Guess what? I scored straight As!! Nenek was so proud of me. I finally showed the people that the seed of rotten apples were not rotten as the apples. But, I celebrated too early. I was interviewed by the local newspaper reporter about my key of success in my SPM. The news would be aired on the newspaper the next day. So the next day I bought the newspaper and looked for my face to be shown there. I found it but not in a good way. The title was "A Child Of Mistakes Made The Society Proud".. "A CHILD OF MISTAKES"!!! WOW...The writer must be a great experienced writer. The news were even spread all over the states. Was that how a media attract reader? By making fun of a person like me.

Started from that moment, my life is full of discrimination. Nobody wants to love me after knowing that my father is a murderer. Yeah all the men scared that I'll murder them too like how my father did to my mother. My nenek left me on 16th June 2018. And I have been living my miserable life by my own. I'm standing alone.. Luckily I have a stable life. I work as an architect and run my catering business. My nenek left me a huge amount of money and assets.. But, what's the purpose of having lots of money when I lost the love of my family or even the respect of the society. All my school time friends are married and have their own family. During our reunion last year, one of my exclassmate even advised me to marry as soon as possible so that I won't make the mistake that my parents did. OF COURSE I WON'T! I'm very disappointed that the society is stuck with the irrational mentality assuming that the wedlock children disgusting mistakes that must be isolated from the community.DON'T WORRY.. OUR UNHOLINESS WON'T INFECT YOU! For all those people who face the same fate as what I face ... IGNORE THE HATES! Remember the seeds of rotten apples are not rotten. The seeds are fresh and you are the one who will be determining your growth as the seed. And for the society.. Please change the mindset towards out of wedlock children. We don't deserve hates and bully..

That's all from me in this
episode..Thanks for reading DEAR DIARY : Born is not an option. Bye