Chasing Kate

Chapter 14. What Are We Like 12 Again?

I felt a sense of relief that lunch had gone as smoothly as it had.

I was expecting a fight or Explicit words to be exchanged. Usually the two happen where Kate & I are concerned.

I was actually proud of my progress and I felt like I was becoming a more mature part of myself and I marveled in the fact.

I'm not sure how long it's been since I had went this long without some form substance that altered my mind.

The fact is, it was my way out. My way to forget the shitty hands of cards that my brother was dealt, the shitty position I put Kate-Anna in, the heart ache of losing her, the grief I felt for my mother for her to suffer the loss of her son and to have me go away to college.

In a way, I wish I had a more fucked up situation that made me seek the drugs and alcohol. I wish that I had a legitimate reason to make some one go "ah! I see why you drink and party!" But the truth is I didn't. I can't even say anyone really has. I guess I chose to bask in my weakness, let it consume me and spread like wildfire to affect everything around me.

I wish that I would have learned to deal with mourning Brody's death. I wish that I didn't always feel this sorry, this ashamed. I wanted to cherish his memory, I wanted to always remember him as my hero. I wanted to always remember him alive.

I lost sight of that along the way. Being the selfish ass hole I am only saw my part of things. I saw it as Brody chose to join the service, he chose to take on those tours in Iraq, he chose to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, and he chose to leave me.

That's how I saw it and I know now, with a clear mind not clouded by all the pollution I had put into it, that Brody didn't chose to do any of those things.

Brody was braver that I could ever dream of being, he didn't chose to leave me, he chose me. Brody fought for MY freedom in 110 degree plus tempatures, in a foreign country with hardly running water and a decent meal, for me to take advantage of said freedom and obliterate my mind.

I was ashamed of the man I had became, I can see that now.
I want to make Brody proud. If he could see me now, I would want him to pat me on the back and tell his little brother how proud he was.

Regardless of the shit storm I've created in my life, the position I have put myself and the people I loved in, I was going to start trying to make amends for my mistakes.

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Lying in my bed, looking at the shadow that was created on the ceiling above my door from the hall light shining through, I felt at peace with myself for the first time in a long time.

It was foreign to me, but I welcomed it.

The clock read 9:45 and I picked up my phone to call Kate-Anna.

If nothing but a friendship ever came by my apology, I would cherish it and I would always find a way to keep it.

If Kate chose to move on, I would always support her, I would be happy for her and I wouldn't make her feel an ounce of guilt about it.

Kate-Anna deserved to be treated like she was important, she deserved affection and attention and someone who knew what they wanted in life.

In my best form of me, I could have been that for her, but you and I both know I'm not the man for the job right now.

I scrolled through my contacts and smiled at her name before clicking Call.

It rang 4 times and I was about to hang up, afraid I would wake her when she answered.

"Hello,Lu."

I smiled at her use of my nickname and I returned the same.

"Hey Kate."

I began again. "I hope it's not to late, you know to call."

She laughed. "What are we like 12 again? Don't be silly, it's not late."

"Ok. I was just trying to respect your work schedule."

"I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I only work 3 12 hour shifts a week, and I'm off tomorrow too." She said.

Why are we being so damned courteous to each other? I thought to myself.

"Did you have a good evening?"

"Mmmhmm. I did. Rhett and I took Duke to the dog park, it was a little wet but it was warm enough to enjoy it." She said.

"Rhett, he's your umm roommate?" I asked.

"Yeah, I mean I guess you could say that."

" I helped my dad grill burgers and vegetable kabobs " I said trying to not show my concern of the this "Rhett" character.

I even scanned my brain to see if I recollected anyone we went to school with who had that name, but no one registered.

"That's nice, how is your father? I don't see him much." She asked.

"He's ok. I start working in his office Monday. He wants me to understand they way the firm works. I think it's secretively because he wants me to join him." I said.

"That will be to occupy your time. Do you think you'll join him? You know in his law practice?"

" I doubt it. It's kind of not my thing. I always wished he would have accepted me as being interested in literature the way I am. "

"Well, I think your fascination with literature is intriguing. No one says you have to conform to one way or another." She said

"That is true." I replied.

"How long have you been working at Compton Memorial?" I asked her.

"Going on a year. School was so hard and I thought I was going to die, it was hard on me to take care of my responsibilities and find time to study. If I wasn't for family helping me out, I am sure I wouldn't have made it. "

"I can't imagine how you do it."

"I actually love what I do, Lu."

"Then I guess it doesn't seem like a job then. "

I hear a faint noise in the back ground but I brush it off as the television.

Moments later, I hear it again.

"Luke, I have to go, I'm sorry. You can call me tomorrow, yeah?"

"Umm? Are you ok?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Call me tomorrow. "

"Tomorrow then."

And the line went dead.