The Earth Begins to Sway || Falsettos

Sleeping Problems

Jason

The year is 1984. 

I'm sitting up in bed one night, reflecting on my past. My childhood wasn't really like that of most kids my age. But we'll get into that later. 

I turn to look at my clock. Ah, shit, it's only 10:57 at night. I'm likely not falling asleep for another 3 or 4 hours—undiagnosed insomnia. I stopped trying to help it a while ago and let my body's clock do its thing. Even if half the time it doesn't even do it. 

With so much time to spare, I decide to tiptoe to the kitchen and get something to eat. I'm waiting for my bread to toast, and then I decide to make it into a sandwich, and then I decide I want to grate the cheese instead of slicing it, and that I want it to melt, so I microwave said sandwich. On the way to my room, I drop my plate and it breaks. 

"Fuck," I mutter to myself. I quickly get down to pick up the shards, praying nobody heard. 

Unfortunately, Mendel opens the door to his and Mom's room. "Jason, what are you doing? Why is there... sandwich remains on the floor?" 

"I get hungry when I can't sleep." I pick the food up along with the shards and try to move past him. 

My stepfather stops me. "Just a minute," he says. 

"What?" I question as he brings me back to our kitchen. 

"Okay, first of all, careful with the pieces. I think you should throw those out." I do as he says. "Next..." Mendel sighs and sits down at the kitchen table. "I think we need to have a talk." 

Apprehensively, I grab the chair across from his. 

"Have you heard about insomnia before?" 

"Um... yes. Why is that relevant?" 

"Well, I've noticed a pattern. You always seem to be up late, whether you're walking around, or... I'm guessing you've asked someone for advice, and they suggested to get up for a while?" 

I flush. "Yeah, Mom told me that." 

Mendel reaches over and pats my shoulder. "I've been there. I'm there to this day. And keeping quiet about it—well, I know what that's like. This is a reach, but... have you just stopped forcing yourself to sleep?" 

I nod, sighing heavily.  

"Jason, when you're up past hours every night, it's useful to tell someone about it. There's help for this," he assures me. 

"I have, I've talked to Mom about it! She gave me some tips, but other than that, nothing." 

"Well, kid, I know for a fact that your mom's been in the same boat." He pauses. "She went back there a few years ago, when..." 

"Yeah. Yeah, I know." 

"Anyway, I think it'd help to consult a doctor. Okay?" 

"Okay," I reply. I'm baffled. I knew all about insomnia and that stuff, but there's actually help for this? Damn. 

"Good night, Jason. Though I don't think I'll be asleep till after midnight." 

"If you mean just after midnight, then wow, you're lucky," I remark, starting to carry my limp body to my bedroom. "'Night, Mendel." 

-

I feel disgusting when I wake up the next morning. My neck aches and I'm finally sleepy, but that feeling where it's as if you're about to throw up but you know you can't is rising in my throat. I flinch. 

"Honey?" My mom knocks on my door. "Are you awake?" 

"Barely alive, but yeah," I mumble, flopping over to face the other side. 

She opens it. "Come on, Jason, school starts in less than an hour, and you haven't eaten breakfast or anything, have you?" 

"I'm just so tired." I stretch. 

"Yeah..." Mom sits down on my bed. "Mendel told me last night that you were up again. Is there anything I can do to help?" 

"Jesus Christ, I wouldn't know." I fling my blanket away and force myself to get up. "Fine, I'll just get dressed quickly or something. I don't feel like eating." 

"But Mendel told me you didn't even eat the sandwich you made last night." 

I lie back on my pillow. "Please, Mom. Not right now." 

She sighs and gets up. "Okay. Be quick, sweetheart." And with that, she's gone. 

I put a hand to my forehead. Man, I remember when I played baseball and life was good. I had tons of girl crushes to assure me I wasn't gay, and my family was finally tight-knit and happy. Not to mention my dad and Whizzer weren't dead. 

Anyway, I try to get ready as quickly as I can to meet Mom out at the car. I wish Mendel were here. I would talk to him about the problems we discussed last night, but he's at work. Hey, maybe he should be my psychiatrist again. I feel I need one more than ever right now. 

Mendel and I are close, the sort of bond that's somewhere between parental and just good friends. Same with Whizzer, my dad's boyfriend. Well, in the past, of course. 

I've started to hate school. They get all up in your face when you're just trying to do your work, and the peace and quiet I could have gotten would've been my chance to survive the day. I'm barely getting by nowadays. It's not a cry for help. It's just true. 

The highlight of today is walking home for lunch with my friend Rose. We usually go to my place since it's closer, and since she lives right next to my dad's and I still can't really go there. Rose, short for Rosemary, but that's irrelevant, is the foster daughter of my godparents, who are my dad's neighbours. They took her in about a year ago, and we're still waiting for the adoption to become official or not. My family has said multiple times, though, not to get my hopes up. 

(author's note: sorry for all the paragraphs tho) 

"Are your parents home?" she asks as we walk, referring to Mom and Mendel. 

"I think my mom is, but I'm pretty sure Mendel eats lunch at work. Why?" 

"To see if we can get in?" 

"I have a key, though." 

"Oh." 

See, this is the problem with my insomnia. It's affecting my relationships. Our conversations are so fucking bland. I just want to get it across to Rose that I'm interested in talking to her. However, we get to and enter the house without another word. 

(author's note again: not me projecting onto J and M for most of the chapter)