The Earth Begins to Sway || Falsettos

The Diagnosis

Jason 

(author's note: I don't want Cordelia's POV to change things between us. Just like before, if it doesn't say who's narrating at the beginning of a chapter, it's Jason. He'll have been narrating last, anyway. Also this chapter is mostly just boring so you can skip through it if you want) 

A couple weeks after the appointment is made, I'm finally able to visit a doctor for my insomnia. Mendel is, once again, busy, so Mom takes me instead. 

"Jason, I wish you'd opened up sooner about this. You realize there was always this opportunity to get help, right?" she mentions on the way there. 

I'm totally not thinking back to my fourteenth birthday when I definitely didn't explicitly tell my mother about the trouble with sleep that I sincerely didn't have. 

"I guess so. Sorry." 

"Don't apologize." I can tell she just feels sorry for me. And maybe I deserve pity, but that doesn't mean I like it. 

She keeps talking to me as I fill out the stupid questionnaire that asks nosy questions about my sleeping habits. She's saying something about how she wants me to tell her everything that's going on. 

"I've told you everything," I lie. 

"Jason, honey..." My mother sighs. "You're not obligated to talk to me, but I wish I understood you better. You don't think there's some sort of underlying... reason, that you're still so sad?" 

"What are you talking about?" 

"I just worry about you. You don't really seem to be that happy or energetic." 

I wave the questionnaire. "Well, duh. I probably have insomnia! And don't act like you were any better when Dad left us," I shoot back. 

"Jason, that's enough." 

"That's what Dad said once he'd had it with your marriage," I mutter. 

"Do you want me to take you home right now?!" Mom demands, trying to keep her cool. 

I sigh. "I'm sorry." 

"Thank you. I'm sorry, too. But, honey..." 

"Please. We're tackling one problem today. Can we deal with the rest later?" I have a headache. 

She smiles hopefully and nods. "Deal." I smile back, appreciative. 

-

I have chronic insomnia. 

Right off the bat. I knew it. It was painfully obvious. The way I used to frequently need to shower in order to get to sleep, until I gave up and would just naturally doze off three hours later. Sometimes I would read 1984 by George Orwell, just in reference to the date. But that has nothing to do with right now. 

There were a ton of tests after the questionnaire. Honestly, my condition's so awful that the doctor literally prescribed me medication. Okay, I guess that was kind of expected. Hey, did you know having trouble staying asleep is also a sign of insomnia?! I always thought it was my natural body clock that caused me to get 4-6 hours of sleep every night. Turns out I wasn't supposed to. 

This is seriously such a relief. Sometimes I think back to that night when Mendel finally decided to talk with me about it. I cannot express my gratitude. 

Anyway, once we get back home, Mendel is there. I immediately tell him of my diagnosis. 

"Heyyy, that's great!" he says for some reason. 

"What's great about my chronic insomnia, Mendel?" 

"No, I just meant it's great that you're getting treatment! You got medication, didn't you?" 

"Yes." I sigh and show him the dumb package. "I'm gonna drug myself to sleep." 

"Better than not sleeping," he remarks. 

I can't resist laughing. I eventually make my way to my room and reflect once more, staring at the ceiling. Maybe there is an underlying reason, like Mom said. But I think my emotions are pretty easy to figure out. It's not every lifetime that your family breaks up twice. 

Still, I worry about myself sometimes. I've been having these thoughts for a long time, yet I brush them aside. I convince myself things will get better. Because they will. 

That evening, I walk again to the cemetery. This time, though, it's not in overwhelming sadness. It's just because I'd like to pay my dead fathers an everyday visit. A happy one. 

"I have insomnia," I start off, to Whizzer. "But I'm on drugs now, so it's okay. Hey, my baseball's still here. I'll just leave it, okay? It makes me think of you, but so does, like, your grave." I pause. "Anyway, here's the daily 'things I would never tell my mom or dad but I feel safe telling you'. I have a crush on someone. 

"Shocking, right? No, not really. You know how girl-crazy I can be. But this one... this crush is different. And yes, it's a girl. I'm still not queer. 

"You know Rose? Well, not really. I may have mentioned her before, but it's not like you ever listen," I dig jokingly. "Anyway, she's Charlotte and Cordelia's daughter. Foster daughter, but still, it's wrong. Yeah, her parents still aren't related to me, but they might as well be." 

As usual, he doesn't answer. I go on. "And she's not even a crush I can find comfort in, since it feels so wrong. And I need comfort right now." I look at his headstone helplessly. "Good talk once again. I'll go catch up on the usual with Dad. Please don't tell him." And with that, I walk off. "Love you, Whizzer."  

(author's note: sorry these exist in almost every single chapter, I'm gonna stop, but I also wanted to apologize for this chapter being short. And boring. Like Mendel /j. Ok goodbye)