Take a shot - Minsung

12 - Minho

Today is the day, 4 years since Saemin passed away, it will be the first year I can visit her grave. I want it to be special, I buy lilies and lavender, with pink baby's breath, it was always her favourite type of flower.

He back, back in the day, would be a lavender colour with soft pink flowers all over it, it would say her name, something she'd put on in dark purple marker pen, it was those memories that made me happy. When I used to be there, a good big brother, when she was my world. But when I started to ignore her, lay half dead in my bed, those are the times I wished I'd forget.

I walk along the path and look left and right for her name, it must be down here, I walk past my parents and I stop I give my mother a single piece of lavender and my father I give him a lily, I wasn't here for them, I'd moved on from them, to another grief, my emotions aren't stagnant.

'You came' someone says, I look next to me and it's Chan, I'm confused, why would he visit Saemin 'why are you here' I ask, I stand up and wipe down my jeans 'I come every year' he says, he placing down a card, a bouquet of violets and irises, they to have pink baby's breath 'you don't have to' I say placing down my own bouquet, I didn't bring anything else, I just wanted to talk.

'Are you alright' Chan asks, I don't here him, I do but I ignore him, I look at Saemin's grave, the dates, how young she was, how it was all my fault 'no' I say and look at him, my eyes are welling up and he pulls me into a hug and I sob.

After a while, once I've calmed down, we're still sat there 'I've been put on anti depressants' I say, Chan looks at me 'have you been taking them' I shake my head 'I don't want to be happy' I say, feeling as though I don't deserve such emotions.

Chan stands up, all too suddenly 'come on get up we're going to meet our friends at my place' I look down at Saemin's grave, and realise that I'll always be with her, that I feel much more while visiting here, I don't need to stay, not forever. I nod my head.

Once we get to Chan's house, I here talking from outside, they're already here. I won't be alone.

'I have insomnia' is what he says once we walk in the door, I'm surprised 'we know' Hyunjin shouts, I giggle 'I'm trying to be helpful' Chan shouts back 'is someone there' Hyunjin shouts again, there really is no reason to shout, there in talking distance of each other 'Minho is here' he says 'hi everyone' I say, I don't shout, there is no need.

'I have anxiety' Jisung says, I know what's happening, no one needs to say it, or even admit it but there're trying to make me feel better, to make me feel included and after years of isolating myself I appreciate it, I appreciate them.

Thanks for reading I've only posted two chapters and I'm writing chapter 12, I feel like I'll update once a day but that'll probably change by the time I get to publishing this chapter