In life I want to get to the point where I can give money to people who need it and not worry obout my self becoming one of them because of it
I want to be able to walk down the road and see a homeless person and be able to help them
I want to be able to donate to every charity even if it is just as little as £1 a month
I want to save my money for if any one needs it and not spend it on meaningless things that i won't remember
I want to not feel like I'm attention seeking and asking people to see me as a good person because of these thoughts
When I first thought this It was as simple as on the bus to school one morning I was thinking about a way to help homeless people, then I thought a loaf of bread some fillings and a bit off butter would go along way maybe even for more then one person
But then the question I had to myself was why? Did I want people wjo see me do this think I am better then them? Do I simply want to help out? Do I want them to take this example and try to implement it into their own lives? I had no idea...
So I pushed the thoughts aside and went on with my day boring as could be but today after work
(I got a job ik... I'm 14 rn but money is money whatever helps.) I got tips and I was like well I already get paid for just working so what could I do with them?
And I thought all of 2 minutes before coming up with a solution on my 5 minute walk, save it in a sperate place from my wages from work and donate when possible.
Give my mama and extra £1 to buy things to donate to the food bank every once in a while, at school we do charity stuff sometimes I could always donate to those, when walking down the street and see any charitys with their little boxes, or buy things and the proceedings go to charity or like I said a homeless man just sat i could always do a little or someone playing music trying ot earn a living doing something they love but haven't quite got on as good as they hoped they would, like being stuck at a road with loads of traffic unable to cross untill it has passed .
It doesn't matter which one to me any would help I hope, as long as it gets to someone who needs it I don't mind where it goes.
But then I thought about asking my mama for an extra tin or pot to put the money in so it was separate but I stoped and thought to myself why? Why do you even need to go and ask? Is it so she will think better of you? So that you might actually become someone she likes? So that you don't feel so isolated In your own home?
Now I feel as if it is all for personal gain, as if, if I do this it will some how make me so mush of a better person my mother might actually see me for once.
I told the counciler at school about how I asked my teacher to move this boy in my class because the people who he was sat between wouldn't stop being dicks towards him.
She asked me if I was just generally a nice person, I thoight about it but the whole time I had no idea what to say. Am i really a kind hearted person or do I just want people to see me that way so they will like me?
It like today when I was at work this old lady said that it was nice and refreshing to see someone as smiley and happy as I because she was just the same, I smiled, even laughed a little and I'm sure my face was tinted a wee bit pink but my smile was strained I could feel it and my laugh didn't come out as naturally as I hoped it would.
She is correct I was all 'smiley' and 'happy' because that is what I want people to see.
I'm getting off topic! I always do this! I make things about myself I was talking about helping people then boom I just ahve to say something about me that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about!
Im surprised my friends aren't sick of this, of me, the way I talk so much laugh at things that Ik aren't even funny and myself sometimes, even just walk.
I'm so sick of my self! OMFG! Imma cry... Anyways back to what I was saying! Am I genuinely a good person or am do just pretending to be because that how I want people to view me?
Sorry for venting, seem to be doing that alot lately this is my only outlet as no one knows me on here I don't think....
Well his has been funnnn :)
The counciler also asked if I looked after people more then myself sometimes because I was being a nice person or if it was just easier for me do so... Yeah that put thoughts in my tiny brain because i do find it easier to look after and care about someone else, I hate taking care of myself but my friends?
'its fine honey would you like me to do anything while I'm here?'
'What did you need cleaning babes? ' 'are you sure your okay?'
'I love youuuu'
'feel better soon please, I miss you<3' 'Don't feel bad it wasn't your fault love'
'Do you need me to get you anything?' 'I got you apple juice D'
'I can bring you the work babes its fine'
I like telling my friends to bitch stfu when they piss me off though :/ Sorry bitches <3 but I was defending someone and 2/3 of yall were being dickheads to her :(
