The Ember Garden

Drowning.

My feelings make no sense
They assure it's hard to live

They're all scattered around
Haunting me as they wish

It feels like I'm drowning
I'm beyond six feet under

These thoughts pull me deeper
My screams become mere mumbles

I'm falling into abyss
Tangled inside my own head

I'm trying to call out
Darkness continues to spread

I'm screaming for help
No one's giving a hand

I'm lost
In this endless maze

Of questions with no answer
Swarming around my head

They're lost spirits
Begging for shelter

Falling inside myself
I'm tripping over the edge

Drowning in these thoughts
I wish to forget
how to breath

I'm so overwhelmed
Nothing makes sense

Trying to escape
From this empty space

I'm all on my own
And I can't find the way

It's really dark down here
I'm scared more than words can say

please just help...

____________________________________________________________________

I take back what I said about sleeping well.
I can't sleep.
I can't sleep at all.

These thoughts are haunting me and I'm scared. I hate myself so much for what I've done. I wish I wasn't so darn impulsive. Things would've been so much better if I just stopped and thought out my actions before actually doing them.

I wish I did...

There's so much that can go wrong because of what I've done.
What if my family finds me? They'll be so mad.
I know usually a family is happy to get back a loved one. The thing is, however, I'm not a loved one. Plus, I've never seen them have a good reaction to something so I literally can't imagine them being happy to get me back. I don't even want to think about what they'd do to me for running away...

But I can't help it. It's all that I can think of and I keep pulling myself deeper and deeper into this void.

What's worse is that this isn't even the only thing scaring me.
I'm literally all on my own...

What if I get kidnapped or murdered? No one would ever find my body and I won't get to have a funeral and my soul will continue to roam this world until it ends. I really don't want to stay here after I'm dead. That's the whole point of dying right? Leaving this world and not looking back; going to a better place. I'd prefer to achieve that after death rather than staying here.

What am I going to do about my future? How will I go to school when summer's over? I'm mostly likely going to have to make my own way to receive education. I also most likely won't be able to do tha.t I'll end up on the streets (even though I already am. literally). I won't ever be able to get a job and live all my dreams or become the person I always wished to be. And I'm the only one who can be blamed for this...

I've literally ruined my whole life. My future was the only thing that I looked forward to. It was the only reason I stayed and now it's all down the drain. All because of my stupidity...

I hate it when I overthink like this but it's the only logical thing to do at the moment.
I wouldn't be drowning in myself right now, if I had just stopped and thought before leaving. I usually don't hate myself, but sometimes I just cross the line and make myself hate me.
I don't like this at all. I'm so vulnerable and completely dependant on fate (and Paige).

Just think about it: everything could go wrong and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. I'd just have to sit there and watch my life burn down in flames. I feel so helpless...
It's like all these thoughts flying around, tangle me in a spiderweb of fear and self-hatred. I feel like I'm drowning yet I just can't manage to die. Sometimes I wish I could forget how to breath. It would make this all so much easier...

My thoughts vanished, as I heard the door creek open. A tiny head peeped inside that I recognized as Paige's.
Silently walking over, she laid next to me, facing my side. I didn't move. I just kept looking at her. I guess because I didn't know what I should've done at the time. The air hung between us and stretched out time, as I kept on staring at her soft, baby blue eyes. They bore into mine with the same intensity.

Her hand suddenly reached up, causing me to me flinch. I didn't expect her to hit me or anything, I was just caught off guard and it was an instant reflex. My sudden movement stopped her from whatever she was going to do.

I could see endless emotion spiralling round her face. It was like a whirlpool of different things, all of them so complex that I failed to make out what she felt. It seemed like sadness and sympathy mixed with guilt and I'm guessing there was a bit of anger too.

Time was frozen and so was I. Her hand gently came closer to my face and caressed it, wiping across my cheek, leaving behind a wet trail. My dumb butt couldn't make out what it was and almost asked. Thankfully though, my last braincell decided to work and I realized it was my tear. More like tears.
I hadn't realized I was crying until she did that. I wonder how long I had been crying for, since my face seemed pretty wet.

Paige grabbed my attention by speaking up. "Who hurt you...", Her voice filled with caution, as if I were shattered glass that would break with even the slightest impact. It was more like a statement, rather than a question. I don't know what happened to me but I felt like I exploded.

I couldn't hold it in any longer. It was all too much. So many feelings came to me at once. Feelings that I didn't even know I was capable of feeling.
I felt happy to know that someone cared for me yet it reminded me of how no one else did. It felt like she was mocking me for not having anyone else to love me. Yet then again it was like she was giving me hope.
I was so confused, I didn't know what to feel. It was as if I forgot how to process any feelings, yet at the same time was processing all possible emotions at once and they all came pouring out of me. Literally.
What Paige did next was unexpected, even though it shouldn't have been.

She hugged me.

It felt so...new. It was nice, though. Her hug was perfect - not too tight, but just enough for me to feel the million broken pieces fix back together. It felt so right hugging her. It made me feel safe; like nothing could get to me, not even my thoughts.

I never understood the concept of someone feeling "like home" and always found it ridiculous when anyone used the expression.
But I understood it now. It felt what I imagine home to feel like, even better than that actually. It was a feeling that I, for once, didn't know how to explain.

Our hug lasted a lifetime, yet when it ended I craved for more...