𝙸𝚗𝚎𝚏𝚏𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎| ✔︎

017 | Juliet

It's Friday afternoon.

I don't know how to feel right now. Everything yesterday still feels new. I guess in some way you can say it's still fresh.

Mom has this way of making someone hurt without actually hurting them. If that makes sense.

She has a way with words. She is good at manipulating people and guilt-tripping them. Sadly, I was one of those people for years.

The older I got, the more I understood my surroundings. If I ever stood up to Mom, I would get punished.

At the end of the day, I would usually just stare at my bedroom ceiling. Tears would stream down the sides of my face. I would always try not to make noise since I shared a bedroom with my stepsister.

Crying silently sucks booty.

There aren't many words to describe the feeling. It's hard keeping sobs in. It feels like the air is being ripped away from you, and there is nothing you can do about it.

You feel like if you were trapped inside a box. It would feel worse honestly, because all I wanted to do was to yell and cry as loud as I wanted.

Sometimes I would feel like I just wanted to disappear. I wanted to disappear into thin air and mom wouldn't have to worry about me.

Maybe if she didn't have me, she wouldn't have turned to any type of illegal substance.

Maybe if I wasn't here, she would have been a loving, caring mom to my stepsister. She wouldn't have to worry about not having enough money.

Unfortunately, there is no way I could change anything.

To be honest, even if I could I probably wouldn't. I love life too much. Sometimes it does get hard, and it feels like I want to give up, but I know there will probably be a good outcome.

I have always believed that everything happens for a reason. I really do believe it does. And if all this is happening for a reason then I better get a good outcome from all this.

If I didn't, I would probably cry.

Dad has always encouraged me into living my life to the fullest. The amount of trust he has in me makes me like I can trust him back.

Even though he is my dad there are times where I remember being back at Moms. I couldn't trust her as much as I would like to. I never knew what she was up to.

That is nerve-wracking.

The few times mom would actually hug me, I always felt like I would break down. Mom was never an affectionate person, and I get, I really do, but the few times I had the chance to be in her arms felt unreal.

I wanted to tell this affectionate side of mom everything. From the ups and downs of my day to what I ate. I always felt like it wasn't real.

That's sucked, honestly.

I would wrap my arms around mom's frail body, and just hold her for those few seconds. Mom always said it was tough love.

I think there is a stark difference between tough love and no love at all. I've only heard mom say she loved me a few times, probably enough to count on my fingers.

Its hurts, it really does.

I can't describe the way I felt living with mom. If I could describe it in three words, they would be tough, exhausting, and toxic.

Living with mom would be tough, extremely. She would always put such heavy responsibility on me at such an early age. I guess in some way you can say my childhood wasn't the best. I would have to agree with that.