Lovely Hues | Fillie AU

Chapter Sixteen

She gently closed the front door behind her and backed up against it, gasping an inhale. She hadn't been holding her breath out there, but her lungs still felt starved for oxygen. Pressing her hand to her chest, she continued trying to calm her breathing.

What was happening? Millie had been so excited for her date with Finn and it started out better than she had even hoped. Well, after she thought she had screwed it up of course. She had talked about Louis so freely and thought that surely Finn would be irked by the mention of her late husband. Men don't typically like when women talk about past relationships. But Finn was different and told her that he not only was okay with hearing about Noah and Louis, but that he wanted her to talk more about them.

She liked that.

And after his smooth talking, she felt a swell in her chest and her stomach that told her to kiss him. But she settled her mind to just hold his hand instead. And it felt natural and right and even now, the memory was bringing little butterflies into her belly, but the rest of the evening snatched them away.

It wasn't anything Finn did, which made it all the worse. He must have thought she hated him or something. But he said he had a good time. Was he lying? Then again, she also said that she had a good time. And she did in the beginning, or was she lying about that too?

It had been during their initial conversation that it started for her. The impending feeling that something was wrong and that she was doing something wrong and then suddenly she felt all eyes on her, also telling her that what she was doing was, well. . .wrong. It felt like the whole world was watching her, judging her for thinking she could have someone new. She already had her chance. She had been given two and now she thought she got a third? How selfish.

And to top it off, she left her children to be cared for by someone other than her in order to have dinner with some man who would probably be better off with someone more fitting for him. Someone less complicated. Someone with more time. Someone more deserving of his companionship.

Pushing through the meddling thoughts in her brain, she talked about her family, and how she was grateful to have come to America because it was here that she got pregnant with and gave birth to her boys. As with most terrible things in life, there was a silver lining to Louis's death. She didn't like to put in those terms too often, but how else would she describe it?

It was Louis's death that made it possible for her to marry Noah, whom she loved as much as Louis but in completely different ways. Thinking about it though, it made her feel guilty. She knew she wasn't thankful for Louis's death but something inside her whispered to her that she was. How could she not be thankful for his absence when she was thankful for Noah's presence? And now here she was again. Possibly starting a relationship with another man who she found herself thankful for. She wasn't in love with him, but could see herself being in love with him eventually. And surely she would be thankful for that, too. And would that not mean that she was thankful for Noah's death? Because without Noah dying, she wouldn't have been able to be with Finn?

And then, to top it off, he promised her he'd come by tomorrow.

A promise.

She didn't do promises anymore, not after Noah's last promise that he wouldn't die. Promises were curses and she was afraid that Finn's promise for a walk, something they had done so many times over the couple of weeks, now meant that they were doomed for a messy end. Just like Noah and Louis.

It was all too much. Far too much for her brain to handle in this moment and she still felt like she couldn't breathe right. That her lungs were turning on her.

And maybe they should have.

"You should get some sleep."

She jumped, her eyes opening wide, "Oh my—" she panted, "Charlie!"