make it easy | young royals ✓

thirteen

Wilhelm

As the masquerade ball looms closer each day, there's a heavy burden of making the right decision pressed onto me. I can no longer stand August's persistent talking, nor can I not feel the guilt running through my veins every time I see Simon. Making a choice shouldn't be so hard. I used to think as we get older, things will be clear cut. Go to university or not. Move to a new city or not. Not something like this, not choosing the person you love and sacrificing everything you have or upholding your duty and disappointing the one you care about the most.

When times get bleak, Erik keeps me holding on. I think he'll be proud of me for being at Hillerska, keeping up with my school work and being somewhat happy. I think he'll want me to choose my happiness over the crown, wouldn't he? Or would he sit me down, patiently talk me out of pursuing a stupid teen fling like how everyone seems to be labelling it.

Sometimes I want to shake their shoulders until they apologise and see it my way. They have no idea what it feels like to be in... love? When he touches me, it's like stars are dancing across my skin. The mischievous spark within him ignites me. How marvellous would it be? For us to say what we wanted, exactly how we felt? Just friends don't look at each other like how we do, we're playing dumb but we know exactly what we're doing.

"I like being around you," I tell Simon one afternoon as we're sitting in the empty music room.

He chuckles at my spontaneous statement, our hands touching on the piano keys. He's been teaching me how to play. "I know, Wille, so do I."

"Usually being around people drains me, but I feel alive when I'm with you."

I think I understand why he never told me that he loved me back now. Simon suffered hell at the sacrifice of being with me. Had I expected for him to open himself up? Display vulnerability in front of me when all I've bought to him was hurt, confusion, and angst? Perhaps he wants to be with me, but it's unfair for him to be hurt any longer in this mess. Is he protecting himself from the inevitable heartbreak that the universe has written under our names?

Part of me wants to protect Simon too. If I end up with him publicly, what will the monarchy do? Will my mom ruin his life, force him and Sara out of Hillerska? Will I be plucked out of the school as well, and sent to some American school instead?

The long-overdue conversation is fresh in my mind, and I approach him after rowing practise one day. "We need to talk."

"Yeah?" He turns serious upon seeing my grave expression.

I don't know if I have the courage to say anything, so I fumbled with my hair and popped a piece of gum in my mouth to soothe the anxiousness.

"Wille, are you okay?" Simon prompts me, concern springing upon his face.

"Yeah, um," I pause as August and his friends jog past me. When they're well ahead of us, I start again. "I think I'm going to the dance with Felice."

I can't read his expression, but I know the storm that's brewing in his chest. Is he angry with me? Is he disappointed that I'm still unable to chase for what I wanted? How many times have I let him down? And how many more times will he be able to withstand me?

Simon's closed mouth smile radiates with discontentment. "Cool, I hope you guys have fun."

"Hey-" I grab his arm, forcing him to look at me. "Are you going to be there?"

"Would it matter if I wasn't?"

"I want you to be there. I-" fumbling for words, I stare angrily at the trees overhead. "We can still hang out at the dance, you know?"