we're teenage years always like this?

late night walk

~ranboo pov~
          i melted into the kiss. this one was hot and passionate. i pulled him into to me to be as close as possible. he got the memo and smoothly climbed into my lap. we were basically inseparable. so lost in the moment. nothing around us mattered, just each other.
          the music playing could barely be heard over our panting and slight moans. his room was lit with dim led lights that set the perfect atmosphere. he specifically put them on purple. coincidentally, that was my favorite color.
          he gripped my shoulders and pushed me down, causing me to lay flat on my back. his eyes were burning into my soul. i hadn't realized how fast my heart was beating until now. the way he makes me feel is something no one else can do. he's got a magical touch that makes me go crazy.
          he dipped his head down to my jaw, giving it soft kisses all the way to my neck. i could barely contain the noises involuntarily coming out of my mouth. i moved one hand to the bottom of his loose t-shirt and slipped it in. my cold fingers against his warm skin made my entire body tingle. i grazed over his whole chest, starting from the bottom, working my way to his shoulders. massaging his body every now and then.
          his kisses on my neck became rougher and more aggressive. not that it felt bad, it actually felt amazing. he was marking me. letting everyone know i was his.

          that's when i woke up in a cold sweat. my body was drenched. my were hands clammy, my clothes were clinging to my damp skin, and i had a massive headache.
          that dream was incredibly vivid, so real. obviously i knew what happened earlier today caused it but how did it feel so real? i felt his touch. i felt every kiss. i felt all the nervousness that build up. all the butterflies in my gut. this was no regular lucid dream.
          although it was 4am, i needed to get out of my house. just a walk, nothing intense. my mom would not appreciate me leaving at this time, but she wouldn't find out. i will just sneak out and go right back in through my window. yes ive never actually done this before, but how hard can it be?
          once i gathered my phone and a sweatshirt to wear, i attempted to climb out my window. first i tried going out head first, but i realized how dumb that was. i was stuck in the window for a second before i wiggled my way out. i the tried again, but this time i went feet first. this was a difficult process considering my height. being 6'6 has its advantages and disadvantages.
          now i was walking on the sidewalk. all the houses were quiet. everything was still. only the street lights were on. tranquil was a perfect way to describe it.
          it was moments like these when i start to question myself. everything was racing through my mind. for some reason, i felt sad. there wasn't any certain reason for it either. that's what was making me think. my life wasn't necessarily bad. i had two parents, okay-ish grades, a bestfriend. i had it way better than other kids, so why do i feel the way i do?
       ~ trigger warning?? sensitive topics ~
          sometimes i just want to run away and leave everyone behind, but i can't. i feel like i'm losing myself by the second. it's a terrible feeling really. i will be fine one day and a wreck the next. i thought i was happy, but it was just temporary. usually when i'm with toby i feel happy, like nothing can stop me. then i come tumbling back down into this dark abyss. it's frightening. i'm scared of what will happen. some days i don't even feel real. like im watching my body as it goes along with the day. my memory is screwed too. i will go two weeks without remembering anything. then out of the blue i will start remembering what i'm doing again. i'm missing chunks in my life. you can be talking to me and i won't remember a thing the next day. it feels like i don't even have control anymore.
          that's the only way i can describe it. i sound fucking insane, i get that. i've never told anyone either. they would think i'm a maniac. toby is easy to talk to but not about my feelings. don't get me wrong, some feelings i can talk about, just not some certain ones.
          i've been walking for around 45 minutes now. i should probably head back home. try to get back to sleep. today was the first day i could wrap my head around how i feel. i guess that's a good thing.
         
          i very silently open my window and jump up on the ledge. getting in was a different story than getting out. just as challenging though. i used my arms to get myself up there. then i swung my legs in as best as i could, still trying not to make any noise. the last thing i wanted to do was explain to my parents how i had a gay dream and needed a breather after it.
          soon enough, i was successfully inside my house again. only a couple scratches on my body from the window climbing, so i thought i did a pretty good job. i walked my way over to my bed and threw myself onto the soft blankets. they felt nice, but nothing was as comfortable as toby's body heat.
          we haven't talked about the kiss yet. i don't think i really want to. we are just friends to him so why should it matter. we kissed and i enjoyed it. he probably just thought it was like any other normal kiss he's had. that's all there is to it. if he wanted to talk about it, i will, but there no chance of me confronting him.
          my eyes felt heavy, my breathing slowed, and my body felt weak. i decided now was the time to try to sleep rather than stay up and overthink every life decision i've made. it only took a couple minutes before i was fast asleep, having another all too real dream about toby.