Under The Mango Trees

Chapter Forty-One : In Between Today and Tomorrow

"It's annoying that we have to control and restrain all that we do, speech, movement, our natural urges. We can never say what we truly want, never do what we truly want to do. We can't look at a river, remove all our clothes and jump butt naked at our first thought, granted---" I paused, noticing the mild amusement that reflected like glimmering waters in Dev's eyes. "---rivers stink here in Mumbai and we'll die of some infection the moment we step in. But that's not the point. The point is . . . " Why couldn't I hold hands and confess my love openly when I was dating Lila? "That no matter how completely we try to live, we'll always have regrets of not doing something that our first, primal instinct told us to do. In the name of propriety, we're always holding back, no matter which age or country we belong to."

"You can regret it after you have spoken something." He was smiling now, an ironic smile as his eyes surveyed the curious-looking men in the train. It had been a few days since we started taking the same train home and after the first day, it became natural for us to sit next to each other instead of pretending to be strangers. "For example, talking about diving into the river like that in the public."

I was aware that I was blushing, I felt an uncontrollable embarrassment mingled with an impish joy that took control of my lips and lifted their corners against my wishes as I bent down and buried my face in my backpack, wanting the backpack to turn into Alice's rabbit hole and suck me in like a vacuum. I heard him laugh then, a low, reverberating laugh, almost boyish that made him sound his age, not ten years older like his mannerisms did. For that little moment when he laughed because of me, I felt like his equal.

I raised my head, brushing back my dishevelled hair. "That was not the point. The point was that . . . What was I saying? You cut the flow of the conversation!"

"I'm sorry," he said with a twinkle in his eyes that dimmed when he continued, "Restraint is important. It's restraint that makes us humans and others animals."

If Lila was here, she would have slapped him playfully on the arm for contradicting her philosophy of living as freely and childishly as one could.

My voice was defensive despite my conscious regulation of it, "So you're on the side of society?"

He chuckled, this time so short that it left my ears wanting for more. "Neither sides are completely without blotches."

"Your diplomacy makes me think that you hold no opinion of your own."

"Diplomacy, huh?" His lips twisted into a faint smile, again so brief that it slipped from the moment of capturing it.

I said, "We always regret the things that we haven't done, never the things that we have done. We make excuses when things go awry, after all, everything must have a reason. God's plan and all that, to put balm on our sore hearts. So why not just simply do what we want and make excuses, instead of not doing it and regretting?"

I realized that the passion which pushed these words out of my mouth came from all those months of playing hide and seek with Lila, instead of openly expressing my love. She would have fought to stay here if I had shown all the love that only the depths of my heart knew. Had I not restrained myself for the sake of society, perhaps . . .

"Do you believe that?" He asked, instead of responding to me, nudging me to think harder and correct the errors.

"No . . . I don't . . ." I said, my voice growing smaller with each word. I was adopting Lila's philosophy, mine was more aligned with his. God, this just made me look fickle-minded like Lila, but unlike her, lack of intelligence didn't make me look cute. So I added, "Not entirely."

"That's what I thought," he said, sinking back in the seat, but not sluggishly. The way he sat was uncaring in the coolest possible way and not without dignity. That was the difference between Lila and him, Lila made you admire her, whereas he made you respect him.

"This novel just proves your point, over and over again," I said, grabbing the copy of Brave New World from him.

He raised his eyebrow in amusement, "Did I have a point to prove?"

"You should have a point. Or else, all this while, I was having a conversation with myself," I said, my cheeks were hot like freshly baked buns when I touched them, quickly and lightly so he wouldn't notice what I was doing. I always felt the need to be in check of my behaviour in front of him as if I was under surveillance. "This proves your diplomatic answer. That in everything we do, we need to strike a balance between individuality and society. That there's no one correct way of living and we can never live up to the ideal. That---"

He broke out laughing, so unbridled and undignified that I felt special about catching him like this. It was a fascinating laugh, the sort of laugh that made heads turn back in curiosity, to know what humour would make an ingenious man like him laugh. That laughter ended soon, but with a lingering smile and a thoughtful look.

When his smile didn't fade and he didn't voice his thoughts, I asked restlessly, "What? What happened? Why were you laughing?"

"Your escape from this paradox of life was pessimism."

I wanted to be unreadable like him so I was peeved by his truthful judgement "And what's so funny about that?"

"Nothing." HE WAS STILL SMILING!

"It's easy for you to make fun of me when you're a straight man from a rich household," the second those words left my mouth, I bit my tongue in regret. Stupid, stupid, stupid! "Sorry, I didn't mean to say that. You were right, restraint is important. I don't know why I said that. I didn't mean it either."

"It's okay," he said quietly, the vestiges of his smile relieved me because he didn't take offence at my words, nor did he think me weird. "We should get up or else we'll miss our stop."

It was stupid how Hope fluttered in my stomach at the word "our" and it was stupider that it continued to wildly dance when he stood right behind me, keeping a decent distance between us so I didn't have to stick to any man, including him. From the corner of my eyes, I stared at the long bluish-green veins of his arms that ran and intersected like the railway tracks, bulging under his skin as he firmly held the bar dangling above us. Despite my tall height, he was still a head taller than me and that made his presence large and his absence larger.

After safely getting down on the platform, he always ensured that we made it out of the station alive by leading me as I held his backpack or kept my eyes fixed on the back of his sneakers. Once we were out and free to breathe, either of us would crack a joke about Mumbai locals or the crowds, then our laughter would ease into silence. Under the Jamun trees with our faces glowing under the flickering streetlights, we would walk slowly because at the end of that street, our paths diverged.

I stood uncertainly at the end of the street, swaying back and forth on my feet, yearning for this street to be endless. I looked at his smiling face, restraining my urge to ask him to stay a little longer, to keep my Hope fluttering. But then, a better thing happened, the fluttering Hope settled in the emptiness within me when he said, "See you tomorrow."

For the first time in months, I looked forward to tomorrow.

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A/N :

Sorry for not updating last weekend, I had my exams. Anyway, hope you all are well and enjoying this story!

(Tap on the little star if you're liking this story :)).