The Closer I Get to You

15

Beyoncé

It's not a date, it's just a study meeting at a local diner.

The last day of school approaches and that also means finals. I need to make sure I can recall everything so I don't fail. So Nicki and I decided to combine our study time. The rest of the girls checked out of their academics as soon as the month of May came around.

"Hey." She hugs me as she slides into the seat across from me in the booth.

She's dressed relaxed yet casual enough.

Showed up in my mere plaid pajama bottoms and a wife beater top.

"Hey." I answer.

She pulls her backpack off and her tits plop around a bit. I AM GOING TO HELL FOR LOOKING.

I ordered a hot chocolate for her as requested and it arrives just in front of her as if on cue.

"Ready to graduate?" She asks with a big smile.

I nod.

"What are you planning to do, Bey?"

"Go to the technical college down the street."

"For what?"

"Probably to learn how to build something."

An even bigger smile plasters on her face, "I remember you used to wanna be a basket ball player."

I hold back a laugh. I tried it out but ended up getting injured and I've been afraid to go near a sports field or court of any kind. What a way to kill a short lived dream. Lol.

"What about you?" I ask.

"I'm going to nursing school. " she doesn't need to say anything more.

Nicki would make for a nice caring nurse without a singe doubt.

"I thought you were gonna be a pastor or something of that sort." I don't even realize that I've just though out loud until she frowns.

For a second we pause and stare at each other. Did I hit a nerve? How do I take that back?

"I--"

"You're good, Bey." She says. "When I was younger I thought that was what I was gonna do. That it was inevitable, but now that I've grown, I want to expand my dating horizons."

I hum.

"Speaking of church, when are you coming back? It's been a while, Bey."

I shrug, feeling as though I've been put in hot water.

"Um, I don't know."

I quickly turn religious so she doesn't really press on them? But I also feel like she deserves to know. This is something I haven't touched on with her at all. the rest of my friends know, because they were around when it actively happened and picked me up when I would shut down, but I don't feel comfortable about Nicki knowing about any more of my lows. Letting her hold me as I was seizing at school was enough.

When those memories come up, I find it hard to make eye contact with her. I clear the frog in my throat.

"I just... I'm not a Christian, Nicki... I realized after a while." I whisper.

She doesn't look nearly as shocked as I assumed. I expect for her to start trying to convert me but instead, she reaches for my hand. I let her hold it and rub her thumb over the top of it. It relaxes me a bit, yet sets me ablaze at the same time.

"Did me inviting you make you uncomfortable?" She asks slightly worried.

I reassure her, "No, no no. I kinda liked it, actually."

"Mmm, may I ask why?"

"What do you want to know?"

I adjust myself in my seat. I'm curious as to why she wants to know details. I guess it's cause I'm used to being told I'm wrong and walking away in annoyance. Nicki doesn't give me that type of energy though, I guess that's why I still continue to speak.

"Like why did you-- what made you start not believing any more."

"I mean... I was raised into it. Didn't get choice and by the time life started to happen, I was just mad that God didn't intervene."

She side eyes me. She wants to know more.

"Life just fell apart a few months before we left, Nicki. My mama needed it. I'm surprised we even kept going for that long at that." I say honestly say.

My voice cracks and I honestly just wanna get to the studying portion of this meeting, quickly. While I was still at church I hung onto our friendship as much as possible. I don't think she even understands.

As much as I was dreading the topic, I feel slightly refreshed expressing it to her.

"I'm sorry, Bey. I'm here for you though. You guys are doing well now though, right?" She asks.

I nod. If I open my mouth just a little more I might just burst into tears. I don't want to. I've been conditioned to associate tears with swallowing and smoke. I promised myself.

"Um..."

"We can get to work.. sorry."

"Don't apologize, Bey. But yeah, we can start." She says quickly putting a smile on her face. "Who's class do we start with?"

I go through my own backpack and look for something. A random tear falls, but I dip my head behind the backpack to wipe it away. My heart skips at the thought of Nicki catching me but I recollect myself.

I'm better than my past though. I remind myself over and over again until I straighten up and lay my notebooks out on the table.

________

thoughts on Beyonce not wanting to be vulnerable?

What do you think Nicki was thinking when Beyonce opened up?

any requests?