THE PURSUITS OF SHAIYA FONTAINE

1

My breath caught in my throat as soon as my eyes focused on him. The only thought that swiped through my mind was: Thank God I look good before I was overtaken by a wave of panic. He hadn't seen me yet but Micah had. I cursed inwardly when he started grinning and calling after me causing all the boys that surrounded him to glance in my direction curiously.

I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. What made it worse was I had to walk through them to get to the bus stop. They were always in the way. I was briefly transported back to the year of 2009 when it was acceptable for these boys to be outside on a scorching hot day huddling in front of Travis's house doing nothing. This wasn't cool anymore. They were now in their twenties doing the same thing they were doing when they were fifteen.

I guess some things will never change. Just like the effect this guy had on me. I felt my walk changing, I desperately tried to regain composure but I had lost it, I was walking like I had just been shot in my leg, stumbling and dragging my feet along the pavement, my heart rate was out of control and I felt shaky and sweaty...all I knew was that the white and black checked playsuit I wore was very flattering on my figure.

"See I do say hi." Micah was saying when I reached Travis's house. He usually didn't but I nodded slowly in response registering the expression on his face, his eyes were slightly narrowed as he lasered them into mine. He was the only one out of all six of the males he was with that had bothered to greet me. These boys who I had grown up with and known for over a decade simply stared at me, their gazes hanging heavily on the bare skin around my collar bone, cleavage, arms and legs. As I hovered near the opening of the semi-circle they had formed, the mixture of distinctive body odour, weed and male cologne wafted up my nostrils causing me to wrinkle my nose. I decided then that I would steal a very quick glance in his direction just to see what three years had done to his face, what facial expression he was wearing and I also wanted to see if he would hold my gaze when our eyes met.

I thought about the way he looked at me when I sat underneath the bus stop shelter, whipping out my compact Mac mirror as I examined my face. I had attempted to call Riah three times after I had barged past him to tell her what had happened but she wasn't responding. I assumed she was in the shower because she only got ready when she knew I was about to leave, as she hated waiting on me.

I sighed lightly before rummaging through my black bowler bag for my earphones, which I found in a tangled mess right at the bottom. As my ears filled with slow jams it seemed fitting to think about him again. I thought about Jermaine's neutral facial expression, his tensed jaw line and the familiar feeling that took over me when I was finally able to allow my eyes to settle on him. It was as if the three-year time gap had momentarily disappeared and we were eighteen again. I searched for the warmth in his eyes but was simply met with this distant glassiness. That was when the reality of the situation hit me. We were no longer friends. We were people who grew up together, were once close but we were now strangers. He was discarded like all the other boys he was surrounded by. Who knew someone I had known for years would become a complete stranger? We didn't know each other anymore - and at that moment when I saw him again I realised that I really didn't miss him.

So when I walked away from the group of boys filled with old crushes, could-have-beens and primary and high school "friends" I was almost filled with a sense of liberation - like, I got over you when I really believed I couldn't - that aching tug that would once pull on the pit of my stomach stopped bothering me when I kept myself busy and started living my life. They say that time heals all, but I could have spent the last three years of my life like the first eight months that we stopped talking - avoiding all advances from males, looking over old text messages, constantly replaying our last conversation in my head, the emotional part of my life stood still, I didn't want anyone else, I didn't want to let him go. I had a choice to accept the situation and move forward or just stay stuck in one place - while time kept moving, the world kept spinning - and he kept f'ucking Yasmin. It was only when I made the choice to start the healing process that I actually did start healing. If my situation with Jermaine taught me anything - it taught me that I always have a choice to change my current situation. I am always in control.