Blue

04

[march 13th, 2015]

dear blue,

it's friday the thirteenth today. no wonder why you're acting like a complete asshole to me. i still don't understand why.

although i did have fun on this last day of school, you happened to have ruined it. i am writing this in my head as i lie in bed, trying to sleep but i am restless. why are you so mean? i hate you. so much.

but - i love you more.

i'm not even bothering to write this on paper. i'm scared that i'd make the paper wet through sudden tears. it'd only make it wet and crinkly and the words would be blurry. but why do i care?

god, i'm crying already.

mom had checked on me earlier and it was a pretty bad timing because i sniffed when she opened the door to my room. luckily, i had my back facing to her so she couldn't see my tearstrained face and she probably jumped to the conclusion that i caught the colds because she brought this medicine for it and she made me drink it but i told her i was okay.

i lied.

i wasn't okay.

why do you have to be so mean, blue? you're really mean, to me, and to everybody else. you're killing me and as much as i try to push myself away from you, i'm only attaching myself even more.

and that kind of connection i have with you sucks, you know? because i can't just remove myself from you. i can't. god, blue. you complicate my life. i'd say i hate you for now, but don't worry. i'll think this through. i'll be me again tomorrow.

i hate you so much.

but i loved the cute gumball machines at the mall by the arcade though. and let me just say that i loved the blue gumballs the best.