Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

14 | Passion

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, or substance abuse.

Day 95

Everything feels so dull. I'm used to it, but I can't help but want something to cut the mundanity of everything. I've been drinking a lot over the past few days, and all my other bad habits have gotten worse. I know this is a bad path to follow, but I don't care. I really don't. I used to want to dissociate from reality because it hurt, and the pain helped me forget, but now, I just want to break the feeling of numbness.

Endeavor told me that if I don't kill myself, he'll cut me from the world. I told him that I didn't care. He's made many death threats against me, but he never goes through with them. He doesn't make me feel anything. His words used to get to me. I would shake uncontrollably when I knew I was going to get beaten. I was angry. Why the hell was I being treated like trash? I was sad and afraid. The beatings left scars on my mind that I can't erase, and I used to have anxiety attacks over the beatings because I was so afraid. I hated Endeavor for everything that he'd done. But I don't feel any of that anymore. I used to feel so empty, but while I still do, it's different this time.

Bakugou asked me to meet up with him to patch me up and discuss some things. I went to his house, and it was just us. He said I reeked of smoke and alcohol, but I had nothing to say to that. I was definitely drunk at the time, though. Eventually, he asked me why I started to drink, so I shrugged and said, "Why not?" He suddenly asked me what I was feeling. I said I didn't feel anything. Honestly, he looked a little sad. Then, as he always does, he asked me who was abusing me. I finally told him. I told him that Endeavor beats me, and that was why nothing could be done about it. He laughed ruefully, saying that that was a horrible fucking predicament there.

He took me to the bathroom to dress my wounds, but once I took off my shirt, he noticed the obtrusive wounds on my arms. He furrowed his brows when he saw that my wrists were cut up. He asked me about the cuts on my wrists, and I said that they were from Endeavor, who was constantly trying to convince me to kill myself. Bakugou was livid. But I said it didn't bother me and I couldn't care less, and his reply keeps going through my head for some reason:

"Todoroki, since when were you so fucking cold?"

I said it didn't matter. I think he scowled and shook his head, but he didn't say anything. After a bit, he told me to look him in the eyes. I did. He said: "I hate those cold, dead eyes." I didn't feel like flirting, but I did anyway. He put his hands on my hips and leaned towards me, whispering, "But they're hot as hell." Just like that, I already shared yet another kiss with yet another guy. Why are guys apparently attracted to me?

But Bakugou's kiss was nothing like the one with Midoriya. He didn't ask, and it wasn't a brief peck on the lips. We held it for a little while. Then, when I thought he was done, he went for more, so I went with it. Kiss after kiss... More passion went into each one as they went on. Then, he licked my lower lip, and it just felt natural to part my lips and let him have his way. It was absolutely repulsive. Our tongues explored each other's mouths, and I've heard about people doing this before, but I just don't understand the appeal. Why would you want someone else's tongue in your mouth? It was slimy and wet, and I could feel his tongue sliding over my teeth. I guess it's my fault for getting drunk beforehand.

I didn't say anything to object to his affection or touch. His hands went under my shirt, and I didn't like that whatsoever, but I didn't stop him. I didn't know what to do. He did ask me if I was fine and comfortable, but I went with it and just smirked at him. Karma really hits hard.

He told me I could stay at his house instead of going back home, so I did. I slept with him. I never thought I'd have to write that sentence, but we did sleep in the same bed together. I guess that wasn't so bad. He was very warm, and he always has a pleasant scent. But I couldn't sleep, so after a while, I got out of bed and went outside to light a cigarette and try to forget what happened between us.