Cinque Anni [LUBERTO]

IV. Confessions of A Portorosso Teen

How did I even come to the conclusion that Alberto might like me the way I like him? I might have missed him too much while I was away, or maybe the idea was spoon-fed to me by a certain bushy-haired, tomboyish girl. That seems the most likely. I didn't raise my hopes until my last year of secondary school. 

Every time I hung out with Giulia during our lunch period, I would complain about how long it'd been since I got a letter from Alberto. I think she was annoyed by how often I talked about him, but she would let me ramble on until our shared time had expired. We didn't share many classes together that year, but that didn't stop me from talking about him at home. 

I always checked the mailbox before going inside for the night. That day, after 2 weeks of silence on Alberto's end, a hefty letter from him arrived. 

"Finally! Look Giulia!" I would shove the envelope in her face, she'd roll her eyes and slap it away. It was our little ritual. Despite the fact that I discussed everything "Beto" with her, the letters I read were always private. I locked myself in my room and selfishly spent my time reading every word, savoring every grammatical error I could find. 

This 3-page letter from Alberto caused a dramatic shift in the way I felt about him. Before this letter, I thought we were just really close friends. Before this letter, I hadn't realized that maybe my feelings for Alberto were more intimate than those one would have for a friend. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caro Luca,

Hi. I know its been a while since i last wrote you. I'm sorry for that. Things in portorosso have been good. well, thats what i want to say anyway. 

You deserve the truth. I don't want to lie to you. Its a lot harder to write this letter than I thought, but I know if I can talk to anyone about this, its you. I trust you Luca So, don't tell anyone about this, ESPECIALLY Giulia. 

Massimo is doing fine, and so is Machi. Its not anything too tragic. Its just very personal. I mean, I'm 18 now, everything seems to be personally wrong these days.

Luca, I'm confused, in more ways than one. Im scared in just as many ways. I can't talk about it with Dad, I don't know why, but it just feels weird to ask him about these kinds of things, you know?

I hung out with a couple friends last month and we were doing all kinds of stupid crap. stuff like obbligo o verita and gira la bottiglia. Things that would definitely get me in trouble. But I did it anyway. 

The next couple paragraphs explained how to play Truth or Dare and Spin the Bottle. Alberto wasn't grammatically inclined, but he was smart. Smart enough to know I had no idea what these games were. They were weird games before I knew how to play them, they were even weirder after his explanation.

I was playing with guido and ciccio and 2 girls named mina and dahlia. We played truth or dare first. I always chose dare, obviously. Thats the only fun way to play the game. That part was fine. Nothing too weird happened, besides ciccio being dared to stand on his hands and speak backwards. 

Gira la bottiglia was when things became a little weird. Guido was the first to spin the bottle. It landed on Mina, so Guido leaned in and pecked Mina on the mouth. Everyone cheered and laughed about it. I spun it next. It landed on Mina as well, so I copied Guido and continued with the game. It kept going on like this, Ciccio spun and it stopped on Dahlia, Mina landed on me, Guido landed on Mina again. 

Then it came my turn again. I spun the bottle and it landed on Guido. I didn't think it would count so I went to spin again, but then Ciccio stopped me. 

"Rules are rules, tizio." He said. Everyone looked at my and Guido and made this loud "Oooooooh" sound. Me and Guido both refused, but then, out of nowhere, Mina dared both of us to kiss. There wasn't anything else I could do. A dare's a dare, and I'm no pollo.

I had a feeling of what was coming next, but reading the next 3 words made my jaw physically detach from its socket. 

So...we kissed. I was expecting to hate it but that's the weird thing. I think I liked it. I kissed a boy and I liked it. I was only ever with girls, but, ever since I kissed him I cant stop thinking that maybe I would want to be with a boy too. 

NOT that I would be with Guido. Hes just a friend, plus he hated kissing me. Dont you see how awkward it would be to tell Dad that? I mean, what if I got in trouble for doing it? 

I was always taught that boys were supposed to be with girls, but no one told me I would feel like this about boys too. I didn't know it was possible. Thats why I haven't written to you. I actually worried if I told you, you wouldn't want to talk to me again. What's wrong with me Luca?

I didn't know how to feel. Was I...jealous? Jealous that he's been kissing people? That would be a weird thing for me to be jealous about. 

Was I jealous? Yes. Was I starting to get confused? Yes. I kept reading. 

Luca, have you kissed a boy before? if you don't want to write to me anymore, just send me one last letter to give me a heads up. All I know is that I think I like girls AND boys, and that I don't want to stop talking to you. So please, don't stop. 

Cordiali saluti, 

Alberto. 

I gripped the pages tightly in my hand and barely kept myself from tearing it into pieces. My jealousy morphed into anger, an anger I didn't know I could feel. 

"What's wrong with me Luca?" I repeated sarcastically. 

Out of nowhere I could feel the realization set in. I imagined Alberto kissing Guido and instantly felt my heart ache. Alberto talked about how he was so confused, but I'm completely lost. This letter destroyed me. 

"What's wrong with me?"