Self-Justification: A CHILDHOOD OF TRAUMA

3. Early Adulthood

I fell in love with my friend's brother, I was 20 he was 32. I gave every part of my body to him. I would stay with him for days on end. My mother called him and told him to bring me home to see family. He did. I decided to spend the weekend with my family and attend an annual party that I hardly ever miss. It was a fun night with friends and family. Great food, quad riding and and old fashioned country style neighborhood party. I met up with an old friend and we spent the night together, reminiscing about days gone by. The next morning I awoke to messages on my cell phone from my boyfriend. He said that I needed to call him. When I did, he answered on the first ring. He told me how much he missed me and that he was coming down to pick me up at that very moment. I told him that I wasn't at my parents and that I would see him at the beginning of the week. He then asked me if I knew how much he loved and missed me. I assured him that I did know. He stated that I didn't quite understand. He then told me that he was so distraught that he could not see me those two days that he hung a belt from his rafters in his basement and tried to hang himself from it. The color drained from my face. Who would do that? I was dating a lunatic! I ended that relationship, citing his instability as the reason behind our differences. We remained friends throughout the years. He ended up going to prison a few years later for vehicular homicide. He killed a buddy of his in a vehicle accident while under the influence of alcohol. I then met a man that I absolutely fell head over heels with. I would see him every weekend that I was off work, I thought everything was going amazing. Then he stood me up at a family function, lying saying he was in the city. Meanwhile, he was really at his house moving his ex-girlfriends girlfriend in. His bestfriend thought I should know about this and called me to tell me after not being able to contact him. Apparently they had a thing for each other that went back more than a few years. I was absolutely heartbroken. I have not spoken to them since that day. They are still together now and have two beautiful children. I lost my job that summer, partying all the time had cost me my job and there I was back at square one with nowhere and no one to turn to. I stayed with another friend around 2009. He pushed me to do something with my life at the same time he pushed me away. I stayed with him for a little over a year. I had odd jobs here and there. I focused on getting my license and thought about returning to college. I finally realized that he didn't care for me and that he was tired of me being there. It was time to move on with my life.

I moved back home for a little while. Old habits don't die so hard. I split up numerous fights between my parents, and listened to them blame me for all their downfalls and problems because I just had to leave. I stranded them and they lost the house and couldn't come to terms with what had happened. I was an idiot for leaving. My last straw was a fight between my parents. I ended up putting my mother in a headlock and ripping her off my father, while my sisters watched everything unfold. I screamed that I hated my life, they were the reason and that I was done with their stupid shit. I grabbed both girls and we went down the road to my uncle's house and stayed that night. I vowwed to never resort to living a life like that of my parents. I found my way out and bumped from house to house again. Not always making the best decisions, but always having a good time. Until I wasn't. I was always looking for a way out. I never really knew what I was running from though.

There I was, another house, more undesirable decisions being made. The individual I was living with was very sweet. I shared the house with her and her three kids. A few weeks into staying there, she started seeing a gentleman. This gentleman had a pretty rough reputation. He always made me feel uncomfortable, but I coexisted with him because I had nowhere else to go. I searched for a job, to no avail. So I would babysit the kids for a little extra spending cash. Then one night my roommate told her boyfriend that she was pregnant, he was rather excited about it. I was excited for her as well. Then a few nights later, she recanted saying that she wasn't sure whether she was aor not. Something in him snapped, he barged out to the living room, picked her up off the floor in a bear hug then slammed her head first back onto the floor. She didn't move. I told him to get the fuck out of the house. He taunted me, then walked back the hallway to the bedroom. Slamming the door, you could hear him ripping the bedroom apart in his anger. He then returned to the living room carrying a .30-30. He loaded the gun and pointing it at her, started laughing like a lunatic. I stood from my place in the living room and asked him again to leave the house. He swung, aiming the loaded gun at my head. He called me a whore and asked me if I wanted to die. I did not want to, but wasn't sure my chances were very great at walking out of this situation alive. I stood my ground as he said he was through will all of us, walking out of the front door, slamming it behind him. I immediately barricaded the front door with my bed. I proceeded to ensure that the children were unharmed, then I called EMS and the mother/grandmother to ride to the hospital. I slept with a knife that night. She was released in the early morning hours. She had a concussion and some strained muscles in her neck. She wasn't pregnant as she suspected. When asked how she obtained these injuries, she lied saying she slipped and fell. I was appalled at the ease in which she deceived the EMS personal and law enforcement. She stayed with him for a while after that, having at least one son with him. Me, I got the hell out of there as fast as my feet would take me. I moved in with a friend of mine the day after this occurrence. I felt free again, our first night together we went to a venue and watched a local band play.

I was still seeing a guy that I had been talking to for a few months. I wanted to end the relationship because he was sleeping with multiple girls at once, and I was getting sick of women threatening to beat my ass over him. He truly wasn't worth the trouble. I enjoyed hanging out with him and his friends. it was always a good time. There really was no affection there at all, it was all an illusion to use me. So when my roomate asked me if I wanted to go to the bar, at first I hesitated. I didn't really feel like going out that night. I had just started a new job and the work was strenuous at times. I just wanted to relax at home with a movie and some snacks. My roommate was not taking no for an answer. I ended up going to that bar. My co-worker was there, along with a friend of my roommate. They ended up getting into a heated argument while sitting at the bar. My co-worker ended up pulling a knife on her. I was oblivious to all that insanity. I had eyes only for the man that had come to hang out with the roommates friend. He was absolutely gorgeous. He dressed nice, carried himself well and was definitely easy on the eyes. I was incredibly shy and it took most of the evening and plenty of jagermeister to get enough courage to approach him. I ended up dancing on the stripper pool that evening. I walked up to this beautiful man and told him if I could recite his phone number back to him by the end of the evening that he had to come home with me. He took that bet. We ended the night with him sitting in a chair, I was giving him a lap dance to no music. He ended up losing that bet, and came home with me. We layed on the couch as he caressed my arm with his fingertips, we just sat there talking for hours. I knew when I said goodbye to him the next morning that I wanted to see him again, and the sooner the better. Looking back, I am extremely thankful that I went to that bar.