Self-Justification: A CHILDHOOD OF TRAUMA

4. The Love of my Life

I was 25 years old. I had just met the most amazing man that I have ever laid eyes on. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could. I would travel to see him every weekend. He helped me to get a car, and pushed me to get a job or go back to school, I did all three. I met him on October 15, 2011. We went out to a friends house that following Friday. It was like our first date around friends. It was so much fun, it really brought me out of my shell. I was always the quiet one that was somewhat of the loner. That indeed stems from my childhood. To me this man was love at first sight, almost 10 years later he still is my light in the dark. I remember growing up, I would tell my mother that I would never take a guy home from the bar. The bar was a place to drink, not hook up. Well mom, I lied. I took him home, won his heart and became his wife 6 years later. He provides me with all the aspects of a healthy relationship, all things that were either lacking or absent in my childhood. He loves me for me, and he is my absolute godsend. I was not going anywhere in life, and I didn't give a shit. It was my mentality, I was not brought up in a healthy environment. He brought me out of my comfort zone, he made me see that life was worth much more than my boundaries. That I could spread my wings and soar above all. That I would have a better life, a life filled with more good times than bad.

With the good, come the better

I was extremely anxious the morning of our wedding. I had doubted my self over and over. I do feel bad for not inviting some of my father's side of the family, though I do know how out of control they can get when alcohol is involved. That was not what was nawing at my conscience. It was the fact that my parent's were going to be there around everyone, with alcohol flowing. I laid my anxiety to rest as best I could, and proceeded to become the beautiful bride to my most amazing groom. When my father walked me down those steps and to the aisle, I looked up to met his gaze. Everything else melted away. It was just the two of us standing there, nothing else mattered. That is when I realized the man standing before me is and always will be my keeper. The keeper of my love, keeper of my heart, keeper of my soul. I was marrying my best friend, the one person that knows me better than I know myself.

My life is literally everything I want it to be now. I had a few hiccups along the way with my mental health and physical health, but I have a clear understanding that all that was endured in my childhood was not my fault. I have blamed myself for so long, and still do at times. I still stuggle with always feeling as though I am doing something wrong. I consistently ask for permission, as to not create friction within my relationships with others. I always have to explain that I don't do it because I am "owned" by that individual, I do it out of respect for that person. I still bottle my feelings up, umtil the implode and I am a crying, blubbering mess that can' deal. Yet he still loves me through everything I endure that continues to haunt me from my childhood. I have met the man I will spend the rest of my life with. My childhood scarred me to the point that I don't want to have children. My sister's kids I treat as if they are my own. I do have two boys that have 4 legs, and they are mommy's whole world.

Thank you for letting me share a little of my life with you. I went on this writing journey to revisit my past and let it all fade away. I have done that and have emerged a better person. I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I do no carry the burdens of my parent's, I live my own life far from the life I endured as a child and adolescent. Nothing I endured in my past was directly my fault. I was just born into a life that was very depressing and priorities were not a focal point of importance. I do not allow myself to live that way. For that I am proud. I will continue my journey of writing, even if to empty my conscience and improve my mental health. Stay tuned...

Love to all <3