WHEN WE LET GO

"Nothing's wrong with you. It was me." My ex-husband's words kept echoing in my ears. That was his pathetic excuse the first time I caught him cheating. Thinking about it now, it was more like his consoling words for me and not an apology. But with those statements, I forgave him.

I thought it was the right thing to do. "Humans make mistakes. Everybody deserves a second chance. Your love should overcome this trial." Everyone's opinions were limitless. For endless reasons, I believe it goes hand in hand with loving someone. Aside from partly blaming myself for not being good enough, when my parents separated, I promised I would never repeat the history of a broken marriage once I had mine.

One piece of advice I got was that some married men go thru a phase like cheating is a phase. Eventually, men will get tired and always return to their wives. I took that advice to heart. Of course, maybe he was just in that phase. But forgiving, forgetting, and moving on will strengthen our marriage.

Maybe I gave him a reason to cheat. I'm lacking in something. I am to blame—excuses for me to hang on.

When I looked back at those moments, I saw a different woman. The on and off betrayal of a wife's trust slowly ruined her self-respect. It unconsciously broke her heart, incapable of valuing herself. She got acquainted with the hurts and pains that came with it. The cycle became regular and acceptable in her mind. It weakened her voice. The meaning of self-worth flew out of the window.

Slowly, it became a habit. He cheats, then apologizes, and I accept, then forgive. An idea of loving that blinded me. Other's words of advice made me believe I can never truly love unless I learn to forgive. I didn't realize, though, that I might have been loving by always accepting his apologies and forgiving him after every betrayal; through it all, I was losing the most important--- the love for myself.

Fortunately, when reality knocked, I heard it even though it was a bit late. I was in love with a lie. I kept thinking it was my fault, so I gave more and more each time. It hit me. All my efforts couldn't change things. "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I should not settle for anything less because I'm worth far greater. As a wife, when I give my trust, my husband should trust me in return, not deceive or betray me. I am my person, with a voice that others should hear.

The moment I let go, I find myself. I see my worth. Feel my heart. Hear my voice.

There is love in letting go.

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