Single Page Stories

Robert

Robert, my now ex-stepfather, was really nice in the beginning few months. But he turned sour quick. 

I'm still fighting a lot of the bad habits he burned into my mind. The first year he was with us, he trained me to keep my mouth shut, or else bad stuff would happen. I was never allowed to make a sound when he was "fixing" me. "fixing" me ranged from whispering "you're no good enough" in my ear, to yelling in my ear, to beating me. If he caught a tear or a whimper from me, it made the "session" longer and worse. The only reason I call it a session, is because I don't know what else to call it. They happened at random times, and would last anywhere from just a minute to an hour. It all depended on when my mom was busy. Whether it was her leaving to go to a store or going for work. Even if she was just outside, it was always something. Even if she was asleep. I never got a break from him. 

He trained me to keep my mouth shut

he trained me to fear the dark

he trained me to watch every corner

he trained me to harm myself if I did something bad

he trained me that I am nothing but a worthless freak that no one will love

He trained me to not trust those I don't fully know, or even those I do know.

His anger was taken out on me for the first 2 years with out my mom knowing. But, then he started taking it out on her too. I never told my mom what he was putting me through, because she was happy with him, and because I was trained. If you're in pain, don't show it. Don't say anything. Just shut up and take it. Even pain meds were forbidden. He caught me once trying to take pain meds. Once. I never tried after that. I don't entirely remember what happened, but I learned that PTSD can cause you to block memories that are harmful or are too much for your mind to handle at once. Due to his abuse, I can't take meds without feeling like i'm being watched, and if I do take meds, I feel like i'm going to be beat at any moment.

When i'm alone, I feel like i'm being watched from a dark corner, whether it's a dark corner in my home, or a dark corner in my mind. I can't even watch fireworks or listen to a storm with wondering if each clap of thunder is going to be another slap on my cheek, or another fist on my back. 

No matter where I am, I can't escape him or the memories. I've been in love for the last 3 years, and I STILL don't fully trust everything he says to me.

"You're so cute"

No, i'm not. He always said I was fat and ugly. 

"I love you"

Those are the words I longed to hear, yet I was trained that men will lie. That no one will love me.

"You are my world"

But i've been trained that I was worthless.

6 years of training doesnt just fade with time. It sticks with you. I don't know how to explain it, but if you do something for long enough, it sticks and doesn't go away easily. just like, as soon as you wake up and before you leave, you brush your teeth. It's an automatic thing. For me, its an automatic thing o check over my shoulder every minute. Whether someone notices or not. 

I don't really know what to add to this. I'm currently trying to put my mental health first, but everything has been getting bad. really bad. And I don't know how to fix it.