10080 | chanbaek

삼십

Four months had gone by and Chanyeol still felt like he was floating right on by life. Fall was in the midst—perhaps in its end—and the colors of the trees had changed. Not only had the leaves changed, but his marital status had also changed. The ring on his finger was no longer the one he exchanged with Baekhyun, but rather a new one that Kyungsoo had urged for the both of them to get. He was engaged for the second time in his life and Chanyeol admitted to himself that he didn't feel as happy the second time around as he did around the first time.

Finally having days off, Chanyeol strolled around a park alone where he delved into his thoughts. He still felt empty, especially when there were trees around because they reminded him of the small brunet that used to carve their initials into them.

Thinking about Baekhyun was a daily thing. There was no helping it. Chanyeol still felt a little bit black and white against his colorful background, but there was no helping it. All the blood and the color seem to have drained out of his life when he opened the door and saw Baekhyun's lawyer standing in the hallway. At first, Chanyeol had thought it was about their impending divorce. In a way, he had hoped that Baekhyun had changed his mind, which would have given Chanyeol the excuse to call everything off. But life was cruel and it wasn't so.

The lawyer was there for something more grim; something more morbid. And even before the lawyer could go into the details of property and money, Chanyeol had broken down on the floor.

They told him it was brain cancer.

It wasn't a cold. Chanyeol was angry for the longest time at his deceased husband for lying. He was angry because of the fact that Baekhyun never even bothered to tell him that he had been suffering all along. It was after the news that everything made sense.

Baekhyun's strong and painful headaches, his slowness, his weakness, his fatigue, his forgetfulness, his clumsiness, and Luna's overprotectiveness began to click and piece together. And still he had the strength to smile and pretend like everything was fine, and that was the fact that stabbed Chanyeol right in the heart. Baekhyun had been suffering and deteriorating, and he had the cruel mind to hurt him even more by asking him to sign divorce papers.

It had taken Chanyeol time to recover, but he knew that he never would. His mistakes were branded on his soul and it was something he couldn't erase. His regrets stayed with him all that time. He regretted not listening to his heart; he regretted being too busy to nurture their relationship; he regretted putting work over his own husband; Chanyeol regretted so much that it pained him to a point of insanity.

But, he had to move on no matter how much it hurt.

He took a deep breath and looked up at the sky, watching as his breath created white smoke in the cold weather. Heaving his shoulders, he kept on walking in the direction of home, which, to him, wasn't home. Home was the tiny estate out in the country that he had once shared with Baekhyun. Home wasn't in the city. It never was.

As he walked, he kept his eyes down until he reached the end of the block. Along with other people, he waited for the walk signal to turn on. In his wait, his eyes wandered until it hit a large chain bookstore right behind him. He would have looked on and ignored the store, but the face and name in the display window caught his eye.

The walk signal turned on. People walked. Chanyeol walked the other way.

He entered the store and immediately went to the stack of new books. Taking one, his eyes studied it as his heart raced and clenched.

It was Baekhyun's last book. The one he wanted Chanyeol to read.

With no hesitation, Chanyeol immediately took the book to the counter and bought it.