Deliverance [h.s.]

twenty-five | the challenger & the helper

Now you won't see all that I have to lose

And all I've lost in the fight to protect it

Eight || Sleeping At Last

*************

I think I'm bad luck.

Not in a cute, quirky 'oh my gosh, look, it's the number 13'  kind of way.

I'm bad luck in the way that every situation I am inserted into is bound to go to shit.

Exhibit A: I got shot today.

At this point, i think it's safe to say i'm officially numb to the pain from sitting for the hours long car ride back. However, that doesn't take away from what I'm saying.

I attract bad shit like a fucking magnet.

From the drop with Elias, to the pickup today with Harry; the one common factor is me. Call it freaky coincidences, fate, poor timing; but at the end of the day it comes down to me being a black vortex sucking everyone down with me.

I'm the sinking Titanic with no fucking life boats.

I spent all of the car ride beating myself up, thinking of all the shit that could've happened to the people that matter to me. I'm glad it was me who got shot, I don't think I could live with myself had it been someone else. Im sure once i stand up out of the car the pain will settle in and ill wish anyone but me was shot but that's just the bullet wound talking.

It crushed me to see the look on Mac's face when he saw I was hurt. He never has been able to handle seeing me in pain, even when we were kids. I swear he almost fainted the time I fell off my bike in eighth grade. My knee was completely destroyed and somehow Mac was the one who looked like he got hurt.

I hated having people worry about me, I don't want to be the focal point of anyone's thoughts. So the sheer fact that I could feel Harry's eyes on me every five minutes to make sure I was okay, was stressing me out. I appreciate the concern, truly I do, but for fucks sake it stressed me out to have him worried about me.

I tried telling him I was fine, he didn't need to worry but it hurt to exert that much pressure onto my lungs at one time. It felt impossible to get a sentence out let alone a couple of words. My bleeding had slowed as the coagulated clots formed over the wound but with any slight stretch of my skin it was as if the floodgates had reopened.

The human body contains 5 liters of blood and it takes a volume loss of approximately 14% to feel any side effects. The dizziness, pale clammy skin, shallow breathing; those are all common reactions to blood loss.

Depending on how many symptoms you have, you may be able to gauge just how fucked you are.

As of right now, I have two.

I have not felt a moment of stability since I was shot, my head was in a constant state of the spins. I think it is a fair guess to say I could just be a little queasy from watching my insides become outside but it's still a feeling worth worrying about. Clammy skin goes hand in hand with being dizzy, however, it also pairs with being queasy and excessive heat.

So, in order to save myself from an entirely too expensive hospital trip, I'm going to chop my symptoms up to a suddenly weak stomach and a low tolerance for heat.

The ride to Steele's house did not go by easily. From Harry's continuous glances of concern, to the hoover dam closing and reopening on my side; it's been a long couple of fucking hours.