Children of Night and Snow

41. A Boy Who Belonged Nowhere

Despite my exhaustion, the events of the previous day made me restless and I found myself wide awake, staring at the clear sky through our skylight. It wasn't even four in the morning but I noticed Connor was not sleeping either. In fact he wasn't in bed at all. Curious I got up and climbed down to a dark, empty living room. Whatever he was doing, he didn't light up the fireplace, nor did he make breakfast. Was he planning to go back to sleep? I couldn't really hear him anywhere either. Still, I checked the training room also. He wasn't there. The only other option was that he was outside. And so I slipped my leathers back on and as silently as I possibly could, I snuck out of the house. And sure enough, there he was, sitting on the roof, staring up at the sky a bottle with clear liquid in his hand. Somehow, I doubted it was water.

"We have a cool skylight inside you know?" I said when I climbed up to join him.

"I wanted to be alone," he replied. He wasn't angry or annoyed. Just distant. Like his mind was somewhere else.

"Should I leave then?" I asked hoping he'd let me stay now that I put the effort into finding him here.

"I don't care." A short response, one I couldn't really tell what it meant.

"You were upset earlier," I noted hoping he'd talk.

"Good catch," he chuckled bitterly.

"Can I ask why?" It seemed naive to think he really was that upset on my behalf. We may have been friends. After our heist the previous evening, it even seemed like he actually respected me and my skills. Yet it made little sense to justify his earlier reaction merely by coming to my defense.

"Let's just say you're not the only rogue brought home from the sewers. And Devan knows all too well," Connor said, a hint of anger back in his voice.

"He told me he and Demi used to stay there too as kids," was all I could think of saying. His outrage still made little sense to me.

"Right. For how long? Few weeks? Months? A year? If that's the case then pretty much all of us came from there," he spat like the mere thought was an insult.

"Connor, I want to understand, but you aren't being very clear," I said, feeling at loss. He sighed in response before going quiet, clearly thinking of what to say. Or maybe what not to say.

"Most of us have lived down there at some point. Maybe except for the twins. But having to survive in the tunnels for a short time before things get better doesn't make you one of them. And it sure as hell doesn't give you a reason to call them sewer rats. Not when you don't know what it's like to grow up there. To watch everyone you know suffer everyday until they die one by one leaving you alone with their rotting corpses to figure this shitty life on your own," he said, his voice dark and grimm. I looked at him, unsure of what to say. My short stay in the tunnels was the worst time of my life. But in all the pain I suffered there, at least I knew my close ones were safe and sound, far away from that hell, living a good life.

"My mother was a slave. There aren't many left since slavery isn't exactly legal, but that didn't stop anyone when she got into debt she couldn't repay. She was sold around as a prostitute against her will until she got pregnant with me. And she refused to let her kid be born a slave too so she ran away and became a rogue. She died giving birth to me in the tunnels beneath us and since there was nowhere to bury her or get rid of the body, I grew up in care of her friend just a few meters away from her corpse. Or more like a skeleton. She was eaten by others before her flesh could rot away," he began his story and I felt sick to my stomach only thinking that.

"I was on my own before I was ten. Everyone I knew died one by one. Mostly in fights, some from cold or starvation or an infection. You saw the conditions down there, you lived them for a little while. To me, that was my reality for sixteen years. I did what I could to make it to another day. If it meant stealing, killing, selling myself or eating my own, I did it. Anything just to survive. I don't even know why. Vast majority of people down there gave up at some point. What's the point of such life? Are you even alive if this is what it takes?" His words were chilling. His questions even more so, despite the fact that he didn't actually want me to answer them.

"How did you get out?" I whispered as I looked at him.

"Nolan found me. Well, he ended up in the tunnels one day, but he was far too ambitious to stay there. He had absolutely no intention to be a rogue. I laughed at him first. Thought he was just another naive idiot who got stuck down there with us and wouldn't last a month before he got himself killed. And he didn't last a month. But for a very different reason. He managed to convince this one merchant that he was a good bodyguard and then proceeded to steal his identity and money. With his tattoo skills, he soon made himself a legit citizen. And he offered me a way out as well. I was hesitant at first, but I had nothing to lose. Then I met Devan and Demi when we tried to steal from the same person. We clicked and I ended up helping free them from this horrible woman. It took a while to convince Nolan to give them a chance, but in the end he did and joined us," he finished his story and my heart broke for him. For the little boy in him, the innocent kid who grew up facing horrors I couldn't even begin to imagine.

It made me reflect on my own life. How lucky I was. I may no longer have my comfortable life in Moonvalley, but I could still at least say I had one at some point. I grew up with loving parents, surrounded by friends, in a place so safe I didn't even need to develop my wolf side properly. Compared to the nightmares my friends lived through, I couldn't help but be grateful for the childhood I got to have.

"So Devan went over the line today," I said, understanding why Connor was so upset at Devan earlier. The remark was too personal. A very low blow.

"He forgets. I think it's because he wants to forget he himself lived down there too once. Devan is like a brother to me. All the guys are. Just like you girls are my sisters. But he can be a fool. Our society is unforgiving towards rogues despite the fact that nearly half of the Winterlands population is made of them. There is no compassion or understanding for them. Being a rogue is in most cases a death sentence. We may have pulled each other out from the gutters, but that's a very rare exception in the cruel reality, where unless you find a mate or go north and manage to pass all the insane requirements to join the military, you are stuck. I don't support the uprising. But I can understand why it's happening," he said.

"I wish there was a solution. A way to help these people. Nobody should suffer like that. Especially not if they are just kids," I sighed but he just laughed.

"Peace is an illusion, Freya. I don't know what they taught you down South, but even they aren't all love and prosperity. Especially not where wolves are concerned," he was clearly amused now. At least I cheered him up. Even if it were unintentional.

"It seemed pretty peaceful to me," I mumbled.

"And yet here you are. Was sending a seventeen year old girl to die in the Wastes an act of peace and love?" he leaned back on his elbows, looking up at the sky once again. I didn't answer. I didn't know what to answer. Or maybe I knew, but didn't want to say it.

"We are predators, Freya. Anything else is just a lie. An illusion. The only reason there is some so-called peace where you are from is because your people suppress everything they are and harshly punish those who prove to be stronger, better, who can't control the thirst for blood we naturally have. I don't need to know your story to know that this is exactly why you're here. You were dangerous to that lie. You were a threat to their perfect illusion," he said as he got up and jumped down from the roof, leaving me alone with my thoughts.