I think I feel panic each time because I'm afraid of not feeling it I'm afraid of letting go of the fear but I'm not afraid of letting go of the other feelings because joy won't hurt me if I leave it but if I leave panic then I'll be hurt while I have my guard down I understand the reasoning of why I do things but I don't want to anymore I want to have my guard down bc I'm doing it wrong I'm not eating cotton candy properly I'm eating my panic and fear that someone will take my cotton candy or someone will stop me from eating the cotton candy , the fear of losing my cotton candy had me lose the cotton candy bc the soft sweet cotton lost it's gentle sweetness in the midst of my bitter panic lost it's beautiful color no matter what color it is blue, pink , green , white , purple , brown bc of the unrelenting grey fear that replaces all my senses in exchange for the dull grey sensation of security I never really gained
