Golden - {Komine/Lumiko}

Pt.7 - Frustration

Kody Pov:

The sun had already set and everyone was asleep. I was never the type to be up late especially with other people. I usually hated being awake to socialize and fell asleep early to avoid anything like that. But now I wish I had someone to talk to. I'm completely alone and I have no idea how to control my emotions, these type of feelings are new for me.

I looked over at the field of flowers we met at earlier and stared. I couldn't help it and thought about him again. Its so frustrating. I don't know whats going on or how to fix myself. Is it wrong to love someone like him? Someone who completes me like a puzzle but I can't complete him? Someone who has no one except a useless helpless witch? What use would I be to him? Especially as a lover?

If Lumine did see me that way, I assume it to be a very slim and rare chance, maybe in another universe. Perhaps in this time we aren't destined to be? My emotions and attitude swung and collided causing me to be confused of which to believe. I can't tell if I'm lying to myself to feel better that I have a chance with him or not. I really can't understand myself so how will he understand me?

I can't take it anymore. I stood up and leaned on the tree to look behind it. I saw Lumine sleeping on the backpack peacefully under the dull blue light of the stars. I really wish I could be closer right now. I can't take it anymore.

I slowly and carefully walked down the hill without making any noise. By the time I got down without waking Lumine up, It felt like the sun was going to rise already. I doubt the wolves in the campsite would wake up since they're such heavy sleepers so I walked passed and into the field again.

I can't take it anymore. But I can't bring myself to leave him. No matter what I wished, there's no way I would guess what the result is. I stood in the field of darkness where me and my lover once stood. I decided to pick flowers.

I hated being confused because then I can't see what my decisions would result in. I picked a flower. I need to tell him but I can't see if he'll accept me, leave me, hurt me, or even believe me. I picked a flower. Tears welled in my eyes from feeling flames of desire eat up my body . I picked a flower. If he rejects me what will I do? I picked a flower. Love, sadness, and anger controlled me and now I can't breathe. I picked a flower.

By the time I came to my consciousness and forgot my anxieties, I held a bouquet of flowers in my hand. I felt blinded and scared now because I don't know how I'll act and which emotion will take over me when I'm around him. I'm afraid for him and myself. I hope I don't ruin it all.

I walked up the hill again, the stars leading my way. I sat with the bouquet in my hands, shaking. If I turned around and woke him up now, It could be the end for us. I feel hopeless. I feel reckless. I feel miserable. I had such a good chance to mess everything up for us. Whatever we had.

I realized tears were being flushed from my eyes when a flower moved and had a little glistening bulb of water on it. Why was I crying about something so stupid. I hated solving my own issues and he knows that, he's the reason why I even got anywhere with my life, but now I have to go through it alone because I felt nauseous thinking about telling him.

I disregarded my feelings and made up my mind to tell him in a few days, maybe once we've arrived to his aunt's place. And whatever he says, I'll respect him and do whatever he wants. I have no life worth living without him so he'll be the one to decide my future.

"goodnight Lumine."