Welcome To My Deep 3AM Thoughts

It's Not Always Consistent.

 When you start healing, you think every day is going to be this magical new experience. You force yourself to believe that a new adventure starts as soon as the sun rises. The thought of turning the page to a new chapter will consume you and it's exciting. Until it's one in the morning and people are falling asleep and the sun is gone. You will forget every little happy exclamation mark your heart did earlier that day. You know what I am talking about because you feel like this every night. Every night, you convince yourself it doesn't hurt. Every night, you tell yourself that it is okay. Every night you think you are over that one little hump; But, it haunts you. It grows a little demon that you are forced to carry on your shoulder. 

 And, that's okay. 

 It doesn't mean you are falling back into old habits. What's hard, is that in times like this, you must do shadow work. You must remember and think about what made you get through the day. 

 Was it the coffee? perhaps the person who made your coffee? The person who handed it to you? 

 Was it the book you just bought because the first two random chapters you flipped to, hooked you in? 

 Was it the smell of pancakes or muffins you so very slowly made as you tried waking yourself up? 

 Was it the 300 pound weight that you are lifting as a new goal? 

 Or is it a person? One that sleeps beside you. 

 Or is it many people that sleep in your bed? 

 Think about it. 

 What helped you survive another day? What keeps you going when you are sleeping 15 hours a day and only having the strength to eat one meal a day? 

 You are not alone. If I could tell you how many times I have fallen off track with my healing journey, I would. But, we don't have time for that today. 

 What truly matters is that I am still here. And so are you. 

 And for that, you should be proud. 

 Yes, it is late. And those friends are sleeping. And that one person may have not given you the time of day, this time. But, there is always tomorrow. There is always room for growth. There is always hope. 

 You will always be healing as long as you survive the nights you think think you're not doing so.