Milk

8

"jesus christ, how could you say it's my fault when you were the one who came in my life and made me fall for you?"

"you were so fucking boring and didn't do anything; I always needed to do the first moves."

"oh boohoo, you fucking prick."

// 

I quietly stepped in our small house and prayed to God, in which I didn't even believe, that my mum wouldn't hear me because I really didn't feel like fighting. 

I checked the clock that was hanging in the hall while unlacing my shoes. I had an hour or so until theatre practise. 

I didn't know what I was doing with my life, all I ever did was just so boring and everyday was the same. People I knew, and people I didn't know, they all said my life was so exciting because I always did something new.

oh yeah, she always goes out and she gets wasted and kisses so many boys- sometimes EVEN girls!! could you imagine?? sometimes i dont know whether she's an actual whore or just dying for attention. both ways, sometimes i wish i had her life!!!

I slept around, I was what people these days would call a whore. 

i went on a party to get wasted and kiss boys I don't know and have sex so at least i could feel something. 

so I really didn't understand why some girls would do anything to be like me. Maybe because I had confidence and boys would kiss me and i had the night life; whatever the hell that even means. 

it was ridiculous and sometimes i couldn't believe that so many people my age cared so much about kissing and having sex and to a few, that's all that matters. 

quite frankly, it kind of only mattered to me too, since that was mostly all i did day after day after day. 

god, i was so two faced. talked shit about others, while i did the same fucking thing. 

i didn't understand myself. i was so confusing, so lost in my own games with others. i was a bad person, but i wished so many good things for others and for myself.

yet i never did anything to make them come true.

I checked my facebook if there was any new messages, and there were a few. I didnt really care so i tossed my phone on the floor and closed my eyes for a bit.