Bring it Back

I Should've Known

These days I haven't been sleeping

Staying up playing back myself leaving

When your birthday passed and I didn't call

And I think about summer, all the beautiful times

I watched you laughing from the passenger side

And realized I'd loved you in the fall

And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

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It's the fourth time this week. The fourth time when I couldn't bring myself to sleep. On the fourth day that whenever I closed my eyes, I could see your back facing me, and in every blink of an eye, shadows started eating you out. Draining every bit of your memory from my soul.

No. This was not what I expected, totally not what I wanted.

It had always been my fault.

I know.

My days passed by just like that. In every single day, I was dying rather than living. In every second, every minute, and every hour of everyday, a time bomb slowly grew deep inside me. Each happy memory fill this time bomb in me. Making every joyous memory a hellish reality.

And there I was, sitting in a corner, waiting for the last tic and tock of my life.

Every breath was a sweet nightmare. It reminded me of the days I spent with you and the days I SHOULD HAVE spent with you.

November 11. That was your birthday, but instead of celebrating it with you, I just stared at my phone. Thinking whether to call you or send a single message.

But then again, I became a coward. I got scared.

I wanted to hear your voice so badly, but that would probably led to a breakdown. I did not want you to see how messed up I was during those days I spent without you, yet I wanted you to know just how much I love you.

One day, while I tried to get on with my life, I saw you with your crowd; laughing without a care in the world. That scene made me remember when I let you drive my car. You were really happy that day, but instead of getting in our destination, we somehow lost our way. How could someone get lost in a straight highway? It took hours til I got us back on the right path, and you got angry at me for laughing at your sense of direction.

"Will you cut it out?" You said.

I tried my best to look you straight in the eyes without laughing but I cant. How can someone look at you without laughing when you look so frustrated, with your wrinkled forehead and nose? It was like you're trying to solve the greatest mystery on Earth when in truth, you were just trying to figure out how the hell the roads moved from their rightful places.

"You really got moss for brains. How did you manage to get us lost when all you have to do was cross a goddam straight path?!" I said laughing.

Even though I laughed at you real hard, you still couldn't get angry at me seriously. In fact, you laughed with me without even knowing what you were laughing for. You probably must love me deeper than what I've thought.