Free As A Byrd

16: A Christmas Ball

My room was filled with a silence I had not experienced since coming to Hogwarts. I wanted desperately to sit at the window seat and watch the depths of the black lake, maybe with a book and some tea. I was a deeply reflective person, valuing my time alone and I longed to enjoy it while I could, to sit in the loving silence and think about everything that had happened in these long five months.

However, I knew Severus valued his time to himself as well, and my empathetic nature allowed me to do what I didn't want to do, not only because I knew he was also longing for comfortable silence, but because he had wanted me to join him. I didn't know what that really meant, his invitation - no, his order - for me to go to the ball. I wondered if he had heard everything that Tonks had said, if there was truth in her assumption of the similarity between Remus's feelings and his.

But still, at the back of my mind there was the dark and looming reality of the fact that none if it mattered. I was sure the glass door of my falsehood would shatter soon, creating a future of misery for me. How could I let someone be close when such a fate loomed over my head?

Perhaps the similarity was not between Remus and Severus, but between Remus and me.

I pondered all of this as I carelessly got ready for the ball, applying a bit of blush, some black mascara, and a mauve color to my lips. I had no energy to do anything with the pin straight icy mess that was my hair, so I just brushed it and let it fall down my back. I dressed in the simple long, black gown Tonks had retrieved in a notion of kindness, shuddering as the silk slid across my body every time I moved, reminding me of the purple sheets in my bed at my father's house. As I hooked my mother's necklace around my neck, I willed myself to be strong and looked at myself in the mirror, really looked, for the first time since Severus's home.

Despite my deteriorating mental space, I looked healthy again. I had done a good job in concealing my undereyes, so you couldn't even tell I had been jarred with nightmares rather than sleeping peacefully. My face, previously sunken with a sickly tone, was now bright and full, my jawline slightly noticeable and my cheekbones less accentuated by my now full cheeks. My lips were no longer scarred and chapped, but fuller and smooth. The gown clung to my body and instead of being malnourished with sharp, jagged edges, I was now supple and smooth, my breasts peeking slightly from the top of my dress, and my hips curving outward from my waist.

I looked healthy again, but I couldn't help but feel sick looking at myself. My stomach pooched out a bit, as you could see from the side, and my back had rolls in it. Pulling the slit up the leg of my dress open, I noticed cellulite dimples and stretch marks across my bottom and hips and thighs. I suppressed the urge to cry, to run to the bathroom, and wondered when this battle with my body would end. My mind, my body, they were constantly either in a frenzy or in a state of merely going through the motions of existence. There was no in between, and I was tired.

I picked up my wand, shoving it in the garter I wore when I was in long gowns - more out of habit than the fear that I would need it; I was not at one of my father's parties. I tore my eyes from the mirror and left the dormitory, strode through the common room, and headed toward the music of the Great Hall.

**

At the far end of the hall, where faculty would normally sit for meals, were the professors assigned as chaperones for the night. Umbridge sat in Albus's tall backed chair, looking like pink-clad royalty as she looked disapprovingly at the students. Professors McGonagall and Flitwick stood near a punch bowl talking merrily, and I spotted Severus behind them all, standing alone and taking a discreet sip from a flask that I was sure had to be filled with a familiar amber liquid. His eyes scanned the room until they locked on mine, and he shoved the flask in his pocket, raising a brow at me. I rolled my eyes and made my way toward the small sea of 30 or so students before spotting a head of hair similarly colored to my own.

"Luna," I said as I approached her, taking in her bright blue gown and matching ornate hair piece. "You look beautiful."

"Thank you," she said sweetly. "You as well, although I think you should brighten up." She looked around us for a moment and added, "They look like regular pearls, on my hair comb, but really they're for protection. They're charmed to repel nargles."

I nodded and told her how brilliant she was before Fred arrived at her side. "Hey," he smiled shyly. I noted that was out of character for him and wondered why he wasn't making a joke right off the bat.

"Hi, stay back for the holidays, did you?" I said.

"No, I'll be heading home tomorrow to spend Christmas with my parents.. just didn't want to miss the ball with Luna." He looked at her, eyes shining with happiness.

"You two look great together, I'm happy for you." I said cheerfully.

I made small talk for a while before they went to dance, and then spoke with Hannah Abbott for a moment. We were joined by Neville Longbottom, who explained that he stayed at Hogwarts because his grandmother was visiting family, but I quickly gathered that he was lying when his face turned bright red and he asked Hannah to dance. Her eyes grew wide in surprise and she just nodded, giving Neville her hand by which he led her to the center of the room where everyone else was circling around. Six inches apart, of course, but it was sweet nonetheless.

I wandered over to a table laden with sweets and a bowl of punch, filling a glass and taking a bite.

"Can we talk?" I was shocked to see Fred beside me looking sheepish.

"Uh, yeah, what is it?"

"Listen, I'll be done here soon and joining the Order, so mum told me.. Er, I just wanted you to know that we won't let them get you."

I was speechless, looking around to make sure nobody heard him.

"I won't tell anybody, George doesn't even know yet, he isn't as nosy as me." He breathed a humorless laugh, scratching his neck. "I can't imagine being in your shoes, and I just wanted you to know we're all on your side. And I wanted to thank you for deciphering my amortentia for me; Luna's really wonderful."

"I'm glad you have each other." I smiled and finished my drink, setting it down on the table and stepping back. "I'm going to step out for some air, excuse me." He nodded and went back into the small crowd to look for Luna and I retreated out the door to the castle grounds while Umbridge was busy measuring inches from her throne.

Once outside, I began to breathe sporadically, unable to get enough of the cool air into my lungs. The night was utterly freezing but I needed the cold on my arms and exposed back to keep me grounded rather than let myself escape into my panic. He knew. I didn't think he would give up my secret, but the fact that he could now look at me and pity me and know what would happen to me soon enough made it all too real. I couldn't bare to have someone in this castle see me every day and know the truth, it made it impossible for me to ignore it. I saw the expression on Severus's face every time he looked at me since the Order meeting and that was enough, I couldn't handle another person looking at me the same way.

If it was just me that knew what was coming, I could continue getting up every day and pushing the thoughts away. I couldn't handle the reminders in the expressions of those around me.

The doors opened and out came Cho Chang and another Ravenclaw girl, speaking in hushed tones.

"It was awkward, but he's very sweet.. I'm just confused." Cho said. She then looked up and saw me, looking embarrassed that she'd been overheard.

I smiled and nodded, reaching out to catch the door before it closed. I attempted to look to be in no hurry as I rushed through the Great Hall and made my way to the dungeons. I tore the heels off my feet halfway there and let the cold stone floors ground me in the way the winter air had. It didn't work, and my panic continued to take hold of me as I began to hyperventilate.

Footsteps echoed behind me and I quickly wiped the tears from my face and cleared my throat as I shoved the feelings down and prepared to fake happiness for whoever was approaching. As I turned around I was surprised to see Severus striding toward me, cloak billowing dramatically. As I watched him approaching me with concern etched in every feature of his face and the pace he held in trying to reach me, I felt every semblance of strength escape me.