I try but you see, it's hard to explain (Julian Casablancas fanfic)

6. Night out

By the time I had taken a shower and gotten ready, complete with a navy blue satin blouse and my signature red lipstick, it was nearly half past six. We were all to meet in Albert's room before heading into the city. His walls were covered in posters and in the corner stood a vintage guitar, a gift from his dad. Albert, Julian, Rosie and another girl I didn't know sat in a circle on the floor, sharing a bottle of whiskey. Rosie was in a couple of my classes but we had never spoken before. She seemed nice though, a bit shy, with the prettiest blonde curls. She introduced the other girl as Alexandra, a friend whom she brought along - "I hope you don't mind," she smiled nervously. "The more the merrier," I wave her off, though I don't particularly appreciate the proximity between Alexandra and Julian, or the way she flutters her eyelashes at him. I have to remind myself that I'm being irrational because really, he's just a friend. "You look nice," Albert compliments me, but I'm distracted by the odd look on Julian's face as he looks me over. I squeeze myself into the space between him and Albert and pour myself a plastic cup of whiskey. Before we know it, an hour has passed. We've been drinking, laughing, chatting, and getting to know each other on a more personal level - questions like "at what age did you lose your virginity?" and "what's the craziest place you've ever had sex?" arise. There's a rapid knock on the door - it's Sharky. He greets everybody with a solemn nod and sits down at Albert's desk, to roll a joint, I presume. He won't be accompanying us to the city tonight because he'd rather catch up with his girlfriend. I didn't even know he was seeing anyone. Then again, no one really knows much about his private life. He spins the chair around to face us, holding up a perfectly rolled joint. "I don't think so," says Alexandra. She looks like she's about to get up and leave but Rosie gives her a pleading look so she stays, sighing warily. Less than half an hour later, the five of us strolled through the campus to the bus stop. Music is blaring out of the windows of some dorms, while cheers of drinking game victories can be heard from others. It's a chilly night but the whiskey in our blood keeps us warm. Julian stumbles - he's had twice as much to drink as everyone else. He swings a hefty arm around me and I feel his face inch towards my right cheek. "You're breathtaking," he whispers in my ear. It sends shivers down my spine, as if no one's ever complimented me before. I smile and roll my eyes in response, because I know he's just being a drunk idiot. He doesn't remove his arm from my shoulder until the bus arrives.

"Ludlow Street," Albert points to the name of the bar, "this place is awesome man, you'll love it." We manage to occupy a table in the back and don't hesitate to order shots and beer. Julian downs two in a row, washes them down with a beer, and staggers over to the jukebox - he plays Johnny Cash's 'Ring of Fire'. It's a decent night out even though as soon as I lose Julian in the rowdy crowd, things suddenly start to feel mundane and my woozy mood deflates. Why? I didn't care when Albert went off to hook up with Rosie. Did I really assume that I'm so special to Julian that he'd stay by my side all night? I shake my head and laugh bitterly at how dense I was - I always said not to expect anything from anyone, promises break before they're made. Around midnight, Julian's drunken antics lead to a fight which leads to us getting kicked out. "Sorry for getting us kicked out of your favourite bar," he apologises as we trudge back to the dorm building. "It's okay," I say earnestly. He doesn't look too satisfied with my reply - I think he wants me to scold him so that he'll feel less guilty. "I drink too much sometimes," he pauses, lights two cigarettes and offers one to me, "It's just... nothing makes sense to me right now. It feels good to not agonize over how lost I am in life from time to time." "I understand better than you think, Jules. And don't worry about Ludlow Street, they always let us back in anyway."