I try but you see, it's hard to explain (Julian Casablancas fanfic)

5. Study break

The next morning, Julian sits with Albert and I at breakfast. He keeps quiet as he stirs his coffee and picks at a piece of toast but his face lights up when Albert mentions his guitar. I see a great deal of Julian over the next few days, whether it be in class, where he sits next to me even if we don't talk, or with Albert when we're hanging out in Sharky's room or smoking cigarettes outside. We're not friends, not yet, but I can see it going that way. Even though it's only the first week, the workload's picked up, so much that on Thursday night, I opt to catch up on schoolwork instead of socializing. I'm in the middle of writing intensive history notes when Julian interrupts me by knocking on my door. He's drinking a beer and holding an unopened one in his other hand. Why is he always so ridiculously attractive? "I'm a bit busy," I bark and immediately regret snapping at him. "Oh, um, sorry. I thought maybe you'd wanna take a break. I brought you a beer," he holds up the bottle. "Oh, um, thanks," I take the beer and pop off the cap on the corner of my bed. He's still lingering in the doorway, his now empty hand in his pocket. "Well, are you gonna join me or what?" I ask him. We sit on the bed, drinking our beers, in silence at first, then we get talking - how we ended up at Le Rosey, what our home life's like, what we want out of life, our heartache, anger, and frustration. Even though he's mumbling, he speaks more eloquently than me and knows how to put into words that which I can't. I find that the things he ends with "whatever, it's stupid", looking almost embarrassed that he's said too much, are usually the ones that make the most sense to me. I leave to pee and when I come out of the toilet, he's standing next to my shelf, fingering through my record collection. "Your collection is so rad," he holds up a Pearl Jam album. He looks excited, more than I've ever seen him be. "Put something on," I suggest. He settles on The Velvet Underground's debut album - one of my favorites. The first notes of 'Sunday Morning' sound from the record player but he takes the needle off the turntable. I look up at him questioningly and he runs a large hand through his greasy hair. "Um, do you wanna like, get stoned or something?" he retrieves a pre-rolled joint from his pocket. We go into the toilet and lock the door. Just the two of us is enough to occupy all the space there is in the tiny chamber - we have to stand uncomfortably close to each other, our bodies almost touching. He lights the joint and sticks it in between my lips. We don't break eye contact as I inhale then exhale the thick smoke. It's the longest we've ever looked at each other. I try to ignore the funny feeling in the pit of my stomach and I'm suddenly very aware of our heavy breathing. Is there an undeniable sexual tension, or is it all in my head? I wish I could read him, but I never can. Maybe that's what draws me towards him. We throw the butt of the joint into the toilet and flush it down, eyes watering and throats choked up from the abundant smoke. We sit on the bed, our backs against the wall, and listen to the album, all 49 minutes of it. We're so lost in the music that we don't speak, except for when Julian mutters "Lou Reed is a fucking genius" during 'Heroin'.

The next day there's a certain kind of anticipation and excitement in the air, even though it's pouring down buckets of rain - it's Friday. Everyone's slightly distracted and giddy and more chatty than usual in class and anywhere you go, you can't help overhearing plans being made. I know most juniors and seniors won't be seen at dinner because they'll have already made their way into the city, hitting the bars after a dinner at some overpriced restaurant specializing in fine wines. Albert and I huddled under my umbrella in front of the science building, where we would be attending our last class of the week. "Physics, eh?" he playfully shoved me. I puffed on my cigarette with a sour look on my face - I'd never been too enthusiastic about physics, presumably because of all the math involved, which I'm proper shit at. I wondered whether Julian would be joining us tonight. This must be the billionth time he's crossed my mind today. I don't know if crowded, noisy, sweaty bars are his kinda thing. Perhaps he'd prefer some place more peaceful. "Jules is coming with us tonight," says Albert the telepath, "I also invited Rosie, the blonde babe from math class," he wiggles his eyebrows. I laugh. Tonight should be fun, especially with Julian joining us. Who knows what might happen? Filled with exhilaration, I walk into the building. 50 minutes of physics seem bearable now.