𝐕𝐈𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐋𝐈𝐂 ❶

𝟒𝟒. ✭ 𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐄𝐘 ✭

A/N:
^I have been playing that song nonstop.^ Just FYI. Lol.

My eyes scan the floor of the club-like atmosphere, taking in my unfamiliar surroundings. Bodies are writhing together here and there,  almost like there's several group orgies happening simultaneously. Everyone that isn't dancing appears to be in slow motion. I'm not entirely sure if the reason there's such a stark difference between the two of them is because I've got a fuckton of amphetamines in my system or not, but I'd gather it is.

I haven't been this level of fucked-up in a while, a good long while. I'd venture to say the last time I was like this was after Dani left. I'd lost myself in booze, drugs, endless amounts of pussy and death. The latter being the reason I'd came here tonight.

Dani's basic dismissal of me yesterday morning sent me on a bit of a spiral. I'd sniffed and drank my day and night away. Only once did my mother show up and try to talk to me but I couldn't really make out anything she was saying. I do remember the firm look in her eyes as she'd said whatever words she said. I was too fucking gone to understand and I didn't really care about anything, even whatever she was saying to me. I'm sure it revolved around our families long-standing issue with addiction and whatnot but I couldn't find it in me to care.

I don't feel anything, well, at least I don't want to feel anything but numbness and adrenaline. It's a confusing combination, I'm aware, but that's the goal tonight. I'm not at The Harvey Watch. I know it's not safe, especially to be out by myself, but I really don't give a shit. That was nearly the entire point of going out. It's a place I've never been because I'm sure I'd likely leave in a body bag if I went back to one of those. I may even leave in one after coming here, who knows?

Who even cares, for that matter?

This place is the home of a notorious drug and arms dealer. My mother would fucking kill me if she knew I was here right now. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about anything currently. Big bright-blues and a mop of fluffy black hair appear in my mind; my son. My chest constricts slightly at the thought of him. I care about him. I can't get so lost I forget about him.

Two times... I've only seen my son twice in his year and a half of living on this Earth. I'm a fucking failure. At my job. At relationships. At basically everything that doesn't consist of killing people. I don't know how I'm going to manage being a father. The likelihood of even having the chance is slim since there's probably a giant fucking bounty on my head.

I think back to the question I'd wanted to ask Dani while she was wrapped in my arms on the couch and I'd been thinking about family, if we'd had a family together; a proper one, that is. I'd splayed my hand out on her abdomen as we'd fallen asleep thinking about if I'd have been there for her entire pregnancy, if I could've been there and watched my son make her big and round. But I hadn't so it made me wonder... if I could be there for her now, if she were pregnant again that is.

She has Brooks and the baby would most likely be his. But there's a chance that it could be mine... It's pointless to think about.

The turmoil building inside me between hope and hate has me heading directly toward the bar. I signal for its' keep and when she comes over I say, "Chopin Reserve. Neat." Two minutes later she comes up and places the drink in front of me and I polish off the entire thing in one go. "Another." She gets me just that and I do much the same with that. I slap a large bill on the bar top and tell her to keep the change.

"I wouldn't think you'd be a frequent here." A woman sidles up to my right. "Plus, rumor has it that you shouldn't be leaving certain safe havens since you've fallen out with the Albanians." I glance over to her and am met with an oddly familiar face. Even through the fog in my mind at my current state I recognize her. She's got pin-straight brown hair and hazel eyes, freckles splayed out on each well-defined cheekbone. She's from The Harvey Watch. She's a guild member. "Nora Edwards." She introduced herself.