Tears In The Rain

Chapter ~ 006

~love can be depleting~

I kept slipping in and out consciousness. The deep feeling of unfamiliarity constricting my thoughts. Everything felt unknown from the soft breeze passing against my eyelids to the cotton soft surface beneath my body. I felt suffocated by the strange surroundings that I have yet see.

The surrounding atmosphere emitted a feel so serene despite its lingering unfamiliarity. The sounds of trees swaying with the wind and the rain hitting a rugged wooden surface ,a light damp residue of misted moisture present in the air a sign that it had been raining for while. It felt like home but strange all at the same time.I felt anxious,my heart constricted, I felt as if I was unable to breath even though I was breathing normally.

I felt fear, a feeling that I was well acquainted with.I remember distinctly the last time I saw my father. It had been a sunny summer day. The clouds were barely visible and the sky resembled the ocean calm unmoving yet threatening.

I was just a naive child who dreamt of a day when I would not need to dread the time when my father would leave. I had never been close my mother despite her being present for most of my life. She had always carried a sense of bitterness a sense of mistranslated anger towards me that I never really questioned out fear that I would push her away.
I was never really allowed to cry around her because she believed that tears were for funerals, that unless someone had passed away that I was wasting tears.

I would cry in bathroom when no one was around or in my fathers arms during the 3 days of the year when he was home.He would always tell my mother to let me cry because that was the only healthy way I could release my feelings. He said to allow me to feel.

The last day I saw him had felt different it was as if for the first time I understood what my mother felt when he left every year. My childish heart had felt the change. It was as though I knew that was the last time he would back.

I remember sobbing with my hands clenched tightly on the fabric of his trousers.I remember holding so tightly around his leg begging him to stay. Although I knew he had to leave I had believed that maybe just maybe if he could see the anguish of soul crying out to him that for the first time he would stay.

He didn't.

Although now that I'm older I understand that he never had choice that he had taken an oath to protect and assist in wars against our country and those of our allies. My childish faith still believed that things could have been different.

I felt fear. The feeling of entrapment. The feeling that I was faraway from home. It felt as if my heart was stuck in my throat. It felt as if someone was squeezing my lungs and my body was paralysed unable to stop him.

The memories of hands dragging my body as if they had the right to do what they desired with me filled my mind. The feeling of grimy hands digging into my torso leaving dark bruises and hot musky breath against my neck as I cried out held my thoughts prisoner. I remember his clammy hands gripping onto me with unprovoked vengeance. I could still smell the putrid smell of cheap alcohol and vomit on the strangers breath as he breathed hard against my panicked body.

I felt violated. I felt like a stranger invading my own body. I began to feel tears trailing down my cheeks. I could hear the sound of muted sobbing leaving my body. I was scared. I had no idea where I was or how I got there. I still remember the cadence of the deep almost husky voice of the stranger that had held me in his arms before I lost consciousness. At that moment I had felt safe in warmth of a faceless stranger but now that I conscious of my thoughts I wondered if I had been deceived by my own heart.

I could feel my body shaking as I sobbed. The sound of my laboured heavy breathing. I could feel the panic setting in. I was almost hyperventilating at that point.

My hands had found their way to my neck rubbing furiously against the skin of throat trying to relieve some of the pressure.

I had began to scratch the skin when the sound of a door opening and banging slightly against a wall distracted me from my panicked state. I slowly began to open my eyes to reveal a blurry silhouette of a man coming towards me.

I heard the sound of a scream leaving my mouth. The scream pierced the air but the stranger remained unfazed.

"I know you are scared" A deep husky voice of a male came from the stranger. " But I need you to breathe , I mean no harm." The man said as he moved closer until he was kneeling close my face against the bed that I was laying on. He moved his hands until he had one hand rubbing soothing circles against my back and the other cupping my cheek in its hold.

Despite not knowing the stranger I began to breathe in through my mouth and out through my nose in a slow repeated pattern until I felt calm enough to take in my surroundings.

The first thing in my line of vision was the face of the stranger. The was something dangerous yet beautiful about him. He had a strong masculine face structure from his angled cut jaw to his Grecian nose and his almond shaped eyes. He had thick black eyebrows that seemed naturally shaped bordering his eyes. The eyes of the stranger glimmered in the shadowed room. It's silver grey depths resembled molten mercury. I could without doubt say he was the epitome of beauty.

Despite being strangers I found myself lost in his silver eyes.

Amberia