Splicing of Changes

Chapter 72

The dreadful day after tomorrow is here.

Meaning today is the day we will visit the accident site and then Maize. Neither of them I am keen to visit. But mostly Maize. Although I am not sure if I am afraid, I will break down visiting Maize or is it simply because I am afraid, I will lose her ghost after my visit. I am not certain of the reason. But I am certain that I do not want to visit. Lee knows that and so does Tori, Liz and even Mattie. Well Mattie has been quiet since yesterday. His pain subsided a little. It's still there but he needs rest. So, he is mostly staying at the hotel with the kids who are under strict instruction not to disturb him much. Also, he is using a wheelchair now just because we would be driving back and that would again cause his pain to flare up.

Weirdly for today's visit it would be just us, and not the Millers. They visited Maize yesterday and would again tomorrow. But not today. I would question it, but somehow I understand why. I am not entirely certain what they are doing today though since our, rather my itinerary is full. Not with the pre-planned visits. But with the worry and freak outs for the said visits. How fun is it to be me today? I so hate this. And I will say, I tried to get out of this. I tried being angry, sad and even tried to just talk my way out of this. But people know me too well. Especially my sisters, and the Millers. Also, Lee did not help. Instead, she sided with everyone else and told them that I am trying to get out of the visits today. But I am not angry with her. I should be after all she did not side with her girlfriend. But I am not. I understand her reasoning as well. Because according to Lee I need to visit the accident site as well as Maize. Even if I think or I fear that I will lose Maize's ghost, I should know by now that she will always be with me. Somehow, when Lee said that I just started crying hearing her. The way she said it, it was just everything. Because that means Lee knows I am with her now, and that I love her, but Maize will forever hold a huge piece of my heart. And that there is no comparison because they are both different. And that brought tears to my eyes.

So yesterday, at mine and Tori's childhood home, it was weird. First of all, not all the yellow 'Do Not Cross' tapes have been cleared. Some still littered around. Therefore, first when we walked underneath it, I saw some passersby look at us. Most of them did not recognize us. Not that weird because I did not recognize them either. They look new to the area. And certainly not used to seeing four women randomly walk underneath the yellow tapes dressed pretty casually. We just chuckled and walked in. Instantly we coughed because of the dust that flew because of us pushing the door open. Weird. Wasn't there an investigation going on? But it seemed to me, no one stepped into the house or even opened the door in more than a year. There is dust everywhere, same with cobwebs. A fun place for insects to hangout. That's what I referred it as. Somehow, we managed to walk in, reigning in our coughs and sneezes and also our fear. I was still not sure why we were going in, but apparently it was to show Liz and Lee our old rooms. Well for Liz and Tori to reminisce and for Lee to see it for the first time. Not that we would be back so hopefully for the first and last time for Lee. Although Lee was inspecting the house, much more than I thought she would. She did go into Tori's room before entering mine. It did seem she was hesitant in entering my childhood bedroom. I mean I get it, but since she did not voice it, I was not sure.

As soon as she stepped into my room, I was certain. The look Lee gave me told me everything I needed to know. She did not want to step in because that was mine and Maize's place. And she did not want to intrude. I never thought of it that way. At least not consciously. Maize's ghost was also there, loitering around, putting an invisible finger on the dusty bed of mine, my study desk and lastly my mirror. As if putting an invisible touch. Although it did make me smile. And it made me remember all the hidden things that I took with me the last time I stepped in here. I am glad I have all those things with me. All our photographs, gifts, memorabilia. Everything. I guess I was also reminiscing by then.