Journey to the Sermon on The Mount

Forgiving Herself

Mary Magdalene POV - Written by Deauna

As she stepped out of the tent, Mary took in a gulp of air. She had just finished writing the invitations for the sermon and had set them aside so the ink could dry. She had told Ramah she was going on a walk to stretch her legs, but in reality, she just wanted to avoid a continuation of their conversation.

She knew Ramah was right. She knew it wasn't her fault and that Jesus had forgiven her; but she just couldn't shake the feeling of guilt. Her mind knew Jesus forgave her, but her heart just wouldn't let her forgive herself.
Since she came back, Mary had tried to do everything right. There was no room for mistakes, she couldn't let it happen again.

After Andrew and John had confronted her in front of the whole group, she had increased her efforts, but it only seemed to put more pressure and stress on her. She hardly ever smiled now.
Mary reached the small patch of trees on the outskirts of the camp and leaned back against the tall fig tree. Her eyes were heavy from lack of sleep, but she wouldn't let them close. She'd been having nightmares every night. Andrew and John's angry and hurtful words echoing through her mind:

"Maybe you ARE responsible! How could you leave?!"

"Oh yes, great advice from someone who disappeared for two days."

Then other voices joined in:

"You're not worthy. You'll never be good enough. You'll never be truly forgiven."

Mary always woke up crying and in a cold sweat. Even now, she could hear those voices. She slid down the trunk of the tree until she was sitting on the ground bracing her back against the tree. Tears started to fall.

"Mary?"

She heard him say her name and immediately started frantically wiping her tears away. Never mind that he'd seen her cry before, she didn't want to go through that embarrassment again.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him stop beside her, his once white cloak rustling softly in the breeze as he looked down at her, concerned.

"Mary, what's wrong?"

A tiny smile crossed Mary's face. Ever since he and Simon had brought her back to camp, Matthew seemed to be more aware of when something was off with her.

"It's nothing Matthew, I'm just taking a break to refocus on getting things ready for Rabbi's sermon. "

Matthew tilted his head as if he was trying to decide whether to agree and drop the issue, or dig deeper.
He decided on the latter.

"You haven't been yourself since you came back to camp. "

"You mean since you and Simon brought me back to camp. "

"No..no.You made the decision to come back. You make it sound like we dragged you back."

Mary looked up at Matthew, tired of everyone telling her that everything was fine. Everything was not fine. Not that she'd admit it.
Mary noticed that Matthew had started to fidget. He opened and closed his mouth and started wringing his hands and pacing a little.
Like always, she knew what was going through his head.

"You can sit down Matthew. It's alright."

Matthew's resolve seemed to come back. He sat down next to her, careful not to touch her.

"What is really wrong, Mary?"

Mary sighed

"I messed everything up."

"What do you mean?"

"If I hadn't ran off, we wouldn't have run out of food, Ramah would have been farther along in her studies-"

"You don't know that"

"And the Rabbi might not have been detained."

"None of that was your fault."

Yes it was! I'm a bad person Matthew!!"

Matthew was silent for a moment, then:

"I am too, Mary."

Memories of the little pep talk Matthew had told her a couple weeks ago flooded her mind.

"I'm a bad person, Mary."

"Matthew-"

"No! All my life. All for me. No faith."

Matthew kept talking:

"Rabbi chose the two of us for a reason. He chose all of us for a reason. He doesn't expect us to be perfect every time, but He still wants us to try to be the best we can be. How did you say it?-"

Matthew leafed through his notebook that he carried everywhere,

"'I don't think He waiting for us to be holy, I think He's here because we can't be holy without Him.'"

She never realized he had written that down. A small smile graced her lips.

Matthew looked her in the eye, a rare occurrence.

"Mary, you and I are the outcasts of society: a woman from the Red Quarter, and a tax collector. No one wanted us. But He did. He knew people hated us, and yet He STILL chose us. Everyone in this group has made mistakes, but Jesus still called us. He called us regardless of our pasts because He wanted us. He. Wanted. Us. I know it doesn't make sense, but it's going to have to be enough for now."

Mary looked down and sat still, letting his words sink in.

He wanted us. He wanted me. He wants me!

She took a deep breath and looked back up again. Her eyes shone with understanding and hope.

"Matthew!"

Jesus' voice broke through the silence.
Matthew turned,

"Yes Rabbi?"

"It's almost time to go!"

"I'm coming!"
Matthew quickly got up, brushing dirt and leaves off himself.

"Are you going to be okay?"

Mary stood up and smiled at him.

"Yes, I am. I'm going to check on the invitations. They should be ready."

They started walking in different directions, Matthew towards Jesus, and Mary to her tent.
Halfway there, she stopped, turned around, and called to Matthew:

"Matthew!"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

Matthew gave her a small smile,

"You're welcome."

Then he turned around and walked the rest of the way to where Jesus was.
Mary went into her tent and saw that the ink on the invitations was dry. She gathered them up, filled with new purpose and started giving the others stacks to hand out.
As they started to head out, she looked up. Jesus did as well. They smiled at each other.
For the first time in weeks, Mary wasn't worried about if she would ever be good enough. She simply wanted to be the best person she could to further Jesus's ministry. And helping spread the word about the sermon was where she would start.