It Leads to Your Heart. [NOT EDITED]

2

NEED TO BE HEAVELY EDITED.

The smell of anesthesia, antiseptics and alcohol has become something that is now embedded in my senses, now feeling indifferent to it even though I would rather not. So walking through the vast wards again after a long tiring day of two work shifts, I barely notice or register anything around me as I did when I first walked into this building. It was fairly quiet around this time, one in the morning isn't particularly a thriving hour but here it is different. The rush you feel when you pass by the emergency ward or the crowded waiting room, it is surprising how this place can build oneself or destroy it. It's all in the hands of the unknown.

I was never one to be familiar with hospitals, never had a reason to visit nor any of my parents needed to or bothered to bring me around. So my life time visits were less than a hand full up until her body gave up on her and collapsed due to the abuse she done to it.

However, upstairs were the patients are to staying in their rooms, the staff would be lesser by half. I have come to be acquainted with a couple of nurses here due to the less work that they would have during this time of shift.

A Particular one of them has become closer than I would have liked, Gavin.

I should have seen it coming.

He never said anything, but Brandon and Lucy, the other two nurses that work here in this quarter have made it clear to me a couple of times how he seems to be very much interested in me and why I should actually consider.

The shock was so evident on my face that they thought that I hated the guy. Especially since I have been trying to keep my distance from him since they started to lightly tease me about it. I was not able to hide it at the beginning, I myself started to feel something I know I shouldn't toward this kind hearted blond nurse. He was the gentlest soul ever. And I only wished that the news of him maybe liking me back would have elated me, which did the complete opposite and slapped me hard on the face.

How irresponsible and guilty I have become. I was here for a purpose, how can I stray and lead my heart to something that I know very well would lead to destruction.

I had to remain faithful. Body, heart and soul.

From when I started to notice how he looked at me or from the gentle tone he uses while speaking to me and the small touches here and there. I knew I had to do something, I couldn't lead him on. Even though I yearned to what he was giving me, the affection and warmth were something I have always needed and how he so devotedly he showered me with them made me all the while feel like the worst person to ever exist. Wanting and craving something I cannot have and unworthy of. but I hoped and wished that maybe my partner; one day, would also be like Gavin, attentive and loving ad him. So I did what I desired strongly to not do, I let him go.

It was pathetic, and I knew how stupid I was pushing away such a perfect guy like him. But it scared me, knowing that a chance of love was too close to me. It scared me even more that I might be tangling an innocent heart into the mess I call life. I cannot be selfish, not with him. He deserved so much better than a girl like me tied to an unknown fate.

So I knew better than lurking in deep waters and stayed away.

I have never been brave enough to share any type of intimacy towards any male, it frightened me. Other than my knowing destiny, rejection and heartbreak is a sore weakness that has always toyed with my mind. I saw how my parents were, even though not all couples are necessarily like that but who am I kidding. I knew I was doomed, so why would the universe work Its magic with me now and send me someone as good as Gavin. Even though it would lead to a heartbreak. I believe he deserves so much more, especially that I know I would never be able to give him anything, so why lead him on, it would be too cruel of me.